I make mistakes.
Bad decisions.
Do I regret them?
Yes and No.
Do I ever want to do them again?
NO.
Here are a couple of things that I told myself I would never do.
1. Take Care and Please People Before Taking Care of Myself
I've mentioned in my other articles that I used to live for pleasing people. Now that I've been working on my own happiness and care, I NEVER want to go back.
2. Have People in My Life Who Treated Me Terribly
Some people in my life sucked. Guess what I did?
BY FELICIA. (Is that not a thing anymore?)
3. Change Myself for Someone
I am so guilty of this. Pretending I liked a certain genre of music, film, art, etc. just so a specific crush would be interested in me. As I'm growing, I'm understanding that if someone likes me, they like me for ME -- not a replica of them.
4. Change Someone Else
Another guilty quality I used to have. Change someone else. Whether it was for me or for them, I didn't understand that that person, AND ONLY THAT PERSON, can change themselves. If they want. And if they can't, and you can't be with them -- maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
5. I'll Never Be Quiet
With the political climate of today and movements surrounding sexual assault/harassment, LGBT+ folks, and being a womxn, I have learned through the voices of others that my voice matters and that I matter. What I have to say has special value.
6. Go Back To What Didn't Work
Familiarity is so important to me. But I've been on the track of learning that somethings (whether they're romantic, platonic, familial relationships or a certain study habit) just aren't meant to work. And even though I know how to navigate each time I go back to what didn't work, it still never ends well. So the best thing to do is just keep on moving forward." Lesson learned.
7. Say I Didn't Try Hard Enough (Even Though I Did)
So sometimes, I half-ass a paper (sorry to all my profs/TAs that had to read them). I accept that I did poorly because I didn't put in the effort. However, I noticed recently that I do this even when I do my best. I have started to learn that my best is my best. Whatever that is. If I think I gave 100% on an essay, then that's what I did. The grade might or might not be what I deserve, but I'm starting to learn that my effort was valuable and that I should be proud of myself. That I shouldn't be so hard on myself for the amount of effort I put into something.
8. Think I'm Less Than
Imposter Syndrome. Freshman year was hell! Even today I still struggle with thinking that I do belong at USC. That I didn't really earn my spot at this university. This kinda goes back to #7, but this sort of applies to my POV of my self-worth. I struggle with telling myself that I belong here, but it gets better each day.
9. Compare Myself to Others
I think most of us are guilty of this. It's emotionally draining to find small things to compare between you and some stranger. Whether it's their poreless face, their great musicianship, grades, etc. We are all different. And the same. There really isn't a point in comparing ourselves only to find different backgrounds, advantages, disadvantages, and so forth.
10. Stop Loving Myself
If I ever slip up and do the others, I think I would be okay and get back on track, but if I were to do this thing again -- I don't think I could forgive myself. It sounds harsh, I know, but loving myself has been a JOURNEY. A long journey and one that hasn't finished. But through the era that I did not love myself, I was on a path of self-destruction and isolation. Every day, I try to find something about myself that I like. Throughout the day, I list reasons why I should love them. This sometimes doesn't work, but like I said, it's an unfinished journey. My life is an unfinished journey.
