No matter if you just lost a family member, a friend, or someone you were in a relationship with, losing someone sucks. It's hard, and as much as we don't want to go through it, we all have to, and the way that we deal with it varies from person to person. Here are 10 things that I've learned about losing someone:
1. you have to process every emotion before you can move on
If you're feeling sad, allow yourself to feel sad. If you're feeling angry or betrayed or whatever that feeling you're feeling is, you have to let yourself feel it. Cry if you need to. Scream into your pillow. Don't ignore the feelings that you have, because they're there, and they are 110% valid.
2. it's important to treasure the good memories
When losing a loved one, it's hard not to think about all of the things you wanted to be able to do with them that you're no longer going to be able to do, but you just have to remember all of the good things that came out of what you had. For me, losing a friend, boyfriend, or relative is always hard because I'm someone who is always looking forward to the future; when things change and those plans that I had with that person are no longer happening, it hurts me. You will soon become thankful for the days you can think of the people that you've lost and smile about the memories that you made.
3. blaming yourself is not at all helpful
Blaming yourself for someone walking out of your life is never going to help anything. Accepting that you did something wrong is completely different from blaming yourself for them leaving. But you have to let go of the blame and replace it with gratitude. Be grateful that the person that you loved was in your life for the time that they were in it, be grateful for all of the amazing things you have to thank them for, and move on.
4. the best part about life is that it goes on
Life is going to go on with or without them. Life is going to keep happening whether you want it to or not, and all you can do is embrace it. One thing I learned about this is that you can't run away from life no matter how hard you try. So stop trying. Take it one day at a time, remember to breathe, and take whatever comes at you with grace. Keeping myself occupied has been the number one thing that's gotten me through every single breakup and loss of a loved one, so I encourage you to hang out with your friends, go to school, go to work, just stay busy, and life will eventually start to feel normal again.
5. no amount of my time was actually wasted
It's hard not to feel like all of the time you put into a friendship or into a relationship was a waste of your time. You have to remind yourself that it wasn't. It wasn't a waste because the person you spent that time with meant something to you at that moment. If you wanted to be there, if you wanted to be with that person, and if you had fun in that moment, then that person was worth every second of your time. It was hard for me to accept with my last breakup that I hadn't wasted a year and a half of my life. I had to constantly remind myself that in that moment, that person made me happy, and I enjoyed spending time with them, so therefore, that time was well-spent.
6. I am not alone
Losing someone can make you feel like your entire world has ended, especially if that person literally felt like your entire world. But just remember, your friends and family that are still in your life are still there for you. As alone as I've felt after losing someone that I loved, I was never really alone. I always had my friends and family there for me even when I didn't feel like they were. If you lose a family member, your other family members are going through what you're going through too, so don't shy away from spending extra time with them during this period of your life. You'll get through this loss together. If you're going through a breakup, your friends are going to be the best thing for you. Don't ignore them when they're asking you to hang out and don't be afraid to reach out to them when you're having a rough day!
7. it's okay to be vulnerable
After losing someone, it can be hard to let other people in. Especially if they're new in your life and wanting to get to know you. Being vulnerable doesn't mean that you're weak, it doesn't mean that you're going to let people come into your life and walk all over you. Being vulnerable means you're going to allow others to come into your life even though there's a chance of them hurting you. Don't be afraid to be who you are; don't let your past relationships make you fear giving and accepting love. Don't be afraid to get your heart broken again, because I promise it's only going to make you stronger.
8. it's okay to be selfish
In order to recreate your world after being hurt, you have to be selfish. You have to take care of yourself. You have to allow yourself time to heal. Be selfish because you deserve it. You gotta find the things that make you smile even when you're sad. For me, that's being with my friends and listening to my favorite music while driving around with my windows down. For you, it could be snuggling with your pet, reading your favorite book, or taking a hot bath. Do what YOU have to do for yourself to feel happy.
9. time literally heals all wounds
Going back to what I mentioned with my previous point, you have to allow yourself time to heal. Fresh wounds hurt more than old ones. Allow yourself to feel all of the feelings that you have and let them out through crying, writing, or even dancing if it helps. There's no exact answer to how long it's going to take for you to feel okay again; it could be a month, it could be a year--you will never know until one day you realize you haven't felt sad or angry about whatever it was that hurt you. And then you'll realize it again when it's been a week or two since you last thought about it. And then, soon enough, it won't cross your mind again. As hard as it is to hear when you're in the middle of a heartbreak, you just have to let time do the healing. This goes for whatever you're going through--a death, a breakup, a fight, anything. Time will fix all, you just have to allow it.
10. you'll never be the same again and that's OKAY
After losing someone that was important to you, you feel like a piece of you went with them. You don't feel whole. You feel like there's something missing. And that's okay. You will eventually fill that space up with new things and new parts of you that you never knew existed. You're going to find yourself through heartbreaks and you're going to experience new things with new people. You're always going to be growing and changing, and you just have to remember that it's all part of the healing process.
