As I sit here outside Jamba Juice with my immunity boost green smoothie stressed beyond belief and gathering massive amounts of hardened rocks they call "knots" in my shoulder and, having discovered I now have an involuntary twitch in my eyes that will come and go without warning, I thought I'd take the only brief 30 minutes I have inbetween classes and work in my jam-packed day to inform everyone of my deepest desires and what I'd rather be doing instead.

1. Sleeping

Simple, really, but somehow my body's managed to survive off of 4-5 hours of sleep each night and if my eye twitch has anything to say about it I'm going to need more z's before an organ fails me.

2. Eating

Okay but here's the funny thing - they tell you to eat because it's "healthy" and because it's "good for you" but WHEN DO I HAVE TIME TO EAT?!?! Between going from class to work to night classes again, granola bars become my savior (until they turned their backs on me and started to taste like cardboard). Shoutout to the true homie Momma Ford - I sincerely took your dinners and packed lunches for granted.

3. Basically being a sloth

Have you ever seen a stressed out sloth? Precisely.

4. Catching up on all my missed work

I'm at the point where I'm waking up before the sun rises to do homework due that day, but then when I get of classes at 10pm I'm too tired to do homework for the next day and thus I'm a hamster on its little wheel and the cycle continues. See desire #1.

5. Watching copious amounts of Netflix

What happened to the days of holidays and breaks where all you did was watch movies?? What happened to my Sons of Anarchy gang?? Is Jax still the leader?? Don't know about you but it's pretty #rude of college to interfere with my fictional relationships. Don't even get me started on Game of Thrones. The next book will be out by the time I finish season 4.

6. Contemplating why I'm even in school

When I'm this exhausted and my brain feels like it's rejecting everything I try and teach it and you have three essays due in one week and you're staring at a blank word document.... I'd like to spend time to think about why we've created this social concept where school is necessary to succeed. What happened to good old fashioned life experience?? How to fix a tire?? What is calculus going to teach me when I don't know how to do my taxes? SHOW ME A GRAPH FOR THAT PROF ROGERS.

7. Converting to Nihilism

Conclusion: nothing matters.

8. Going on a vacation I can't afford

Although being rich must be SUPER hard (yacht club or golf club for lunch?) I think us college kids are the ones who need a vacation. A beach somewhere with no responsibilities, clear blue water...no work... but with the amount of money a vacay costs nowadays I guess I'll have to stick with hallucinatory drugs instead!

9. Having a social life (maybe, depending on the amount of #1 and #4)

Yeah, probably not (unless I want to do more of #4 later which I already don't have time for). But that SUPER helpful procrastination always comes in handy and ensures I get SOME semblance of a social life!! :)

10. Literally anything else.

I'm not picky! I'll babysit! I'll (MAYBE) exercise! I'll even talk to high schoolers!

So hey administration, faculty, staff, illuminati, or whoever runs this crazy university culture we're in. If you see this, consider if you will: no homework for classes and teaching us things we'll actually need to know in the future.

Financial aid, if you see this: Ignore all of the above! I'm so grateful for my scholarship! The emotional distress and the toll on personal health is so worth it! That is not my eye twitching! I just suck at winking! Whoo college! I am very thankful :)