Take it from me, Austin is the absolute worst place to live. Don’t believe it? Let me lay out 10 reasons why and you’ll be convinced for sure.
1. Music
While Austin might have the reputation of being the “Live Music Capital of the World,” I beg to differ. It’s not like we have a huge music festival that attracts people from all over the world or anything. But wouldn't it be cool if we did? I've also had a surprisingly difficult time hearing local artists perform at restaurants and on downtown street corners.
2. Food
If the lack of good music didn't deter you, I bet the minuscule food scene will. It's nearly impossible to find a good pancake, burger, BBQ platter, slice of pizza, scoop of ice cream, sub sandwich, taco, or food truck. Like anywhere in the entire city. Sorry. Oh also there are no vegetarian or vegan restaurants because everyone in Texas is a full-fledged carnivore.
3. Alamo Drafthouse
So apparently there's a magical place originating in Austin that combines food and movies but I have yet to come across such an establishment. I honestly think it's just a folktale told to children around a campfire to raise morale. Also they have disgusting fried pickles... I'm guessing. You should order four baskets of them if you ever find the place.
4. SoCo
South Congress (and downtown Austin in general) is the most boring place I've ever been forced to go to. There are absolutely no cool shops to browse around in. Oh and forget about trying to find graffiti to take cute pics with your friends in front of because you won't. There's a super cool ATM machine, though.
5. Bats
The whole city is basically infested with flying mammals so you should really stay away. They attract the even more dangerous "tourist." I'm purely looking out for your safety. You're welcome. Also sunsets are ugly.
6. Austin Zoo
Speaking of animals, Austin has its very own zoo. This place is probably the worst of them all. All the animals are rescued from unsafe conditions and it's actually a nonprofit. In other words, they don't even care about the animals and they just want your money. With that being said, you should go every weekend. Think of it as a reverse boycott.
7. Lady Bird Johnson Wildflower Center
This place is crawling with nature. Too many bees. Too many birds. And especially too many flowers. I can tell that former first lady Lady Bird Johnson tried really hard to preserve Texas' wildlife but honestly, I think she just did too good of a job. Also too many weddings. Yuck.
8. Zilker Park
Honestly this is just a park, I've never seen what the hubbub was about. There's like a ton of grass. Oh and dirt. Can't forget about the dirt. Might as well just stay home and watch 20 straight hours of Parks and Recreation. That's basically the same thing.
9. Barton Springs
Okay so I only have one issue with this place: too wet.
10. Austinites
Obviously, I had to finish off this comprehensive list with the people that inhabit Austin. Austinites are a very strange breed. Super judgmental, not at all accepting of different people. Will probably hate you if you aren't a carbon copy of the person standing next to you. Best described as "boring." Terrible people to raise children around. And worst of all: Democrats.
Leslie Cochran, pictured below, personifying Austin.
So after reading this completely serious list of why Austin is the worst place on the face of the planet, by all means, move here! We'd hate to have you.
