We all have our little things we do when we see that one person. Everyone has had an awkward moment and learned to deal with it in their way. You’d think when you’d have a crush your awkward moments would at least make sense, right? I would imagine the way someone copes has to somehow explain itself to them, but sometimes this doesn’t happen and everyone is confused.
I’m a very unusual person, some people may say complex and a million other adjectives. I don’t tend to do things that may help in particular situations, but for some reason I do them. I’m talking about the little things I do when I have a crush on someone. I’m not here to say I couldn’t think I could be attracted to someone of the same gender or a variety of people, gosh I’m only in my early 20s with no experience in anything. For argument's sake, most of the people I’m attracted to or have been attracted happen to be cis straight men, the toughest kind to deal with.
Now everyone has their actions and reactions when they see their crush. Mine, however, are kind of odd, well, by my own definition, and in no way help me at all to land the guy.
1. Pretend they don’t exist.
I have no idea why I think this is effective. Sure, I don’t want them to know I’m interested but at the same time I do. I will reiterate this is how it works for me. Said crush walks by, I notice just a little bit before they do, and bam—I have forward face, no reaction. Peter who? My thrashing bitch face isn’t always my friend. Once they have gone by I squeal both internally and externally and maybe even blush. But he’ll never know because I never seem to be able to acknowledge them when they’re so close to me physically. There are a number of other scenarios where this plays out. This is only one.
2. I write about them in my diary.
I know, right? Total cliche, but I can’t help it. My 90s heart jots down the details of some fantasied person I could publish a book with all the pages. I have on the most serious of crushes. Like the movies, if I saw my crush I’d write about it. Not immediately, God no, but I’d get to it. I’d do a little drawing, scribble a heart next to their name the whole gushy crap we think other people do, but don’t. Well, I do.
3. Check out the butt.
Guilty as charged. If I have a crush on you, there’s a high guarantee I’ve looked at your butt multiple times. It may be the reason I have a crush on you. I know it can be a bad thing, but I like big butts and I cannot lie. At least nice ones. Heart eyes.
4. Critique their nipples.
OK, weird, right? Well I think you can tell a lot about a person by their nipples: shape, color, texture etc. I’m freaking odd, and I’ve accepted that. After all wasn’t it the house bunny who said the nipples are the souls of the eyes or something like that? Either way a good nipple goes a long way. #Freethenipple #artcritic. I could write an entire encyclopedia on the importance of nipples, but that’s a different conversation.
5. Code names.
This is almost a no brainer, but every guy I’ve liked in college has had a code name. It’s the most secure way to discuss them with my friends. It’s a hard task to come up with something just right. Not that you have to, but I do. If the guy in question ever found out his code name I’d deny, deny, deny! Which doesn’t help me confess my feelings or make him question if he may like me back, so maybe coffee?
6. Dream scenario.
I’m just a cliché. But how do you not picture the dream encounter or the moment he comes in and sits next to you. Like any good rom-com I have pictured this moment multiple times, from multiple angles with multiple outcomes. The moment he’s like, “Hey, I like you,” and rainbows and butterflies with sugar dust fly by into the sunset. It’s a whole lot of bull. Again, I can’t help it. Who doesn’t want to accidentally bump into someone and see fireworks?
7. Confuse him with someone else.
It’s like my way of coping. I mix up my crush with someone I know or have seen around maybe. I have only recently done this. It eases my nerves and makes them approachable.
“Hey, Mark—Oh, you’re not him.”
Additionally provides an embarrassing moment where you awkwardly walk away and die in a hole.
8. Admire from a distance.
Like most of the things I do this is not helpful. Never let yourself be known because why right? Like the person from a far, but pretend you don’t get too close because f* progress. OK, sometimes this is nice like when you know they like someone else or they’re not really the best person, but you can’t help but like them. It’s a habit. I hate it and love it at the same time.
9. Be too enthusiastic when you actually cross words.
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Yes, in the event that I say anything, the person I have a crush on and I speak I get overly joyful. It’s pretty annoying. I ask a number of questions I play it cool, but then I slip and influx my voice to an over joyous cupcake. I don’t even know what that means, but I know it happens. It’s the thing that happens when the "Hey" turns into "Hayy (insert name here)." Or "Wow, that’s really great" or "Even I like hot sauce." More often than not I sound like Cat Valentine without trying to.
10. Be a bad flirt.
I don’t have the gift others do when it comes to flirting with someone at least not if I like them. I have imagined this would be easy, but so many things can go wrong. You flip your hair at the wrong time, you try to look interested but you squint your eyes too hard. Of course then there’s the make awkward conversation, I’m super good at that. In any awkward situation, I sing and dance like a moron and say anything—literally anything.
“Hey (insert name), how’s the weather in the Czech Republic?” Or “Just beyond the river, oh yes, and a one and a two.”
It becomes a whole show/spectacle.
None of my quirks are necessarily helpful, but they do make me me.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
