Okay okay, let's go ahead and address the elephant in the room. . . I live in the Bible-Belt.
Okay, *whew* I'm just glad I could get that off of my chest. Ugh, it's just so stressful, ya' know? Wait, what? No? What do you mean 'no'? Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah, gotcha. You're a Theist. Yeah, no no no, that's totally cool! That's awesome in fact. . . But I am not. I am anti-theist, I am . . . . *Drum Roll* I am an Atheist. That's cool too, but what makes it tricky (And rather humorous) is being openly Atheist LIVING in the Bible-Belt. So, without further adieu, I give you: 10 Struggles of an Atheist living in the Bible Belt, ft. Comic Relief from Parks and Recreation!!!
1: "Oh, I'll pray for you!"
They're nice, and they mean well, they really do! It's a sweet gesture, over all, But everyone, and I mean EVERYONE will say this to you at some point. Are you sick? They're prayin'. Job sucks? They're prayin'. Stressed out about an exam? Yeah, you guessed it. . . they're just-a-prayin' away. What am I supposed to do?! It's awkward, do I say "thanks", or do I say it back or. . . . **Tell them you like their hair!** Yeah, compliments usually stray the conversation. #Oops
2: When people ask you to say the Blessing at family meals. . .
"Dear Mr. Christ?" Yeah, back in my early days I started one off with that. My other Top 10 Popular Prayer faux pas include: "Hey big G," "Hello, Rain-Man," and "Dearest Omnipotent Invisible Man. . . ". Yeah, I didn't say we were good at it. This is awkward for us, we don't know how to pray. Chances are, that we were raised in Theist households, but trust me, it's lost knowledge for us. We don't ask others to talk to a magical unicorn and expect them to pull it off seamlessly, so like. . . No. We'll be silent out of respect, but don't plan on us joining in if you're planning on keeping your composure. Chances are we're gonna mess it up. . .
3: Having to "Come Out" to your religious family as an Atheist. . . AKA: DOOM
Yeah, you kinda just try to slip it into the middle of a conversation, and wait there like this ^^ until the impending doom sets in and your family loses their shit. Personally, my mother ignored me for 3 days. (Definitely not worst case scenario, but I've thrown her some previous curve-balls, so she took it like a champ.) This is a huge step for us, and can result in 1 of 2 ways, we just hope it doesn't come to couch-surfing with a friend. HahahahahLoveMe
4: "Well if you don't go to church on Sunday, what DO you do?"
We don't go. Seriously. That's a morning to sleep in and a way to save some money for us. This also means, on Sundays in the South, we can't buy alcohol until noon, every restuarant in the city will be packed from 1:00-4:00 and everything we really want in life *coughcoughChikFilAcoughcough* is closed. We don't waste our time when we could be enjoying other things. Church is important to some, but to us, we'd rather be hiking, shopping, enjoying nature or being lazy-lard-asses and sit on the couch with Netflix all day. #TreatYoSelf
5: All the day cares and Private Schools are religiously affiliated.
Okay, I don't have offspring. . . but I can imagine this is absolutely infuriating. Choosing to raise our little humans secular is a decision we made and wish to foster. . . Well, good luck finding a secular day care facility or Private School. This is the south. Churches are on every other corner and I swear, 15/10 day cares have a church attached to them.
6: Creationism VS Evolution
"Evolution is just a theory!!! It's not a fact!" . . . a theory is quite literally a fact that's been replicated and tested and observed and studied and JFC this is literally science!!! I get it, your particular religion has an explanation of our origins. . . but it's untested, and it's not up to our standards of science. I get this all too often, and though I think this shouldn't even be an argument that still exists, I respect that some people are influenced by other things than what influences me. But please, just stop. We don't bombard you with hateful rhetoric when you voice your beliefs against our facts, so please stop doing that to us. Yeah? Yeah.
7: Christmas Time. . . . . . . . . . *Heavily sighs*
Seriously, I can enjoy a festive and giving time of year, in a secular way, without religious observance. I see my family. I give gifts, I reminisce. All I have to do is skip the prayer, and sleep in for Christmas Mass. *Boom* Secularized. Publicly, however, there are nativity scenes EVERYWHERE. Courthouse? Lil baby Jesus. County Jail? Lil baby Jesus. Restaurant? Lil baby Jesus. Schools, Banks, gas stations and like, 6 other random buildings. . . Lil baby Jesuses. (Idk the plural for Jesus, so 'Jesuses' seems to fit.)
8: Marriage Ceremonies.
dot. dot. dot. . .
Yeah. We're allowed to marry. Marriage is a LEGAL right, not a religious privilege. So like, we're totally allowed too. There's this innate inner belief here in the south that a marriage has to be in a church, with a Pastor, flower-girl and all that jazz. *Face Palm* Give me a legal document, and a stranger to witness it, justice of the peace and a cupcake. We good to go, homie!
9:"Oh my God!", "Bless you." or "Bless your heart!"
It's an expression. . . and "OHMYGOD" is just a colloquialism for, and sounds better than: "I AM SHOCKED OR EXCITED FOR THIS PARTICULAR REASON!". . . c'mon. (And just for kickers, my favourite phrases include: "Don't you lie this close to Sunday!" and my personal pick: "Now, I'm only telling you this so you can pray for them, but I heard. . . " You're welcome.)
10: AAAAAAANNNDDDDDD by far the worst, uneducated and absolutely ridiculous assumption: "Oh you're an Atheist? Why are you mad at God/Worship the devil?"
Okay, so these struggles are pretty much nationwide for those of us who identify as atheist, but I would venture to say it's a little more harsh when you're down in the good ole' Dixie. Smile through it, push forward, and buy a passport to Norway. I'll save ya' a seat!
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