There are certain things that all mothers of boys can relate to. Whether you have one boy, or five boys, the list remains the same. I have two boys, one is 10, and one is almost 2, so I experience a broad spectrum of (we will call them events) on a daily basis. Dealing with a son who thinks he is the ultimate survivalist, and a toddler who puts wild animals to shame, I certainly have my hands full. My home is chaotic and loud, but full of laughter and memories.

1: When did you put those in there?

There is not a time in my current life, where I don’t pull out matchbox cars and trains from my purse, whenever I go to pay for my Starbucks. They are everywhere, and often times I have no idea how they got there in the first place. I suppose there are worse things they could be hiding in my purse.

2: Did you put those Legos there on purpose?

You will never understand the hell that is Legos, until you step on one. Lord help you if you come across a strategically planned minefield of Legos in the middle of the night. The pain is blinding, and I have yet to find something that compares.

3: Why do you always aim for the face?

I have learned to always keep a nerf gun within arm’s reach. You never know when a foam dart might soar right into your face, which will of course ensure a full on war to break out. Let us not forget the footballs, soccer balls, and foam swords.

4: Why do you smell like that?

Boys smell horrible. How is it that within mere hours of bathing, boys always manage to smell like funk again? Their feet smell, their armpits smell, their dragon breath could knock you off your feet. Let’s not forget the gas; oh my hell, the gas.

5: Does anything gross you out?

Farts and poop are often dinner table conversations. How it smelled, what they ate that could have caused it, how long it took to pass, and what it looked like are all up for discussion. Which leads me to my next point…

6: Do you ever stop farting?

Let’s elaborate on those bodily functions a bit. My boy’s butts literally smell like dumpsters ALL THE TIME. The stank will bring tears to your eyes; it’s the stuff nightmares are made of. There is not an air freshener in the world that can defeat what they have cooking.

7: OMG what is that?

I am always terrified to search their pockets when doing laundry. Often times there are rocks, sand, and sticks. Sometimes, more than I would care to acknowledge, I find bugs or sticky unidentifiable objects. If we are being completely honest, I have on occasion thrown out said clothing to save my own sanity.

8: How did you get so dirty?

Speaking of laundry, its crucial to have a bottle of Shout, and a gallon of bleach on hand ALWAYS. You would think my boys go outside and immediately roll in the grass and dirt. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s exactly what happens. I have learned its best to buy their clothes in dark shades of blue, black, grey, brown, and green. It saves you a lot of hassle in the end.

9: Do you ever stop eating?

You will need to sell a kidney to be able to afford the amount of groceries it takes to feed boys. They do not stop eating EVER! You would think their last meal was the last supper with how hungry they are. They want thirds at mealtime, before you can even eat your first helping. They want a snack before dinner, and a snack after dinner, but that after dinner snack doesn’t count as their dessert.

10: Why are your hands always down your pants?

If I had a dollar for every time I have had to say “get your hands out of your pants,” and “don’t play with that in public,” I would be rich. I would have been able to buy a Costco by now, which in turn would solve # 9 on this list, and allow me to save my kidney for their teenage years.