Nearly 1.5 million high school students nationwide experience physical abuse from a dating partner in a single year. Only 33% of teens who were in a violent relationship ever told anyone about the abuse. And - those college students are not equipped to deal with dating abuse - 57% say it is difficult to identify and 58% say they don’t know how to help someone who’s experiencing it.
Relationship abuse can come in many forms as a behavior that is used to control the victim. It can be physical, financial, sexual, verbal, and emotional. It is important to recognize the red flags, as even experiencing one or two is a sign that abuse may be present and could escalate into something more. Recognizing these signs once they start is important for so many reasons, including that it may be easier to leave then before the situation rises to a more dangerous or threatening level. It’s also important to become aware of the signs so you can educate your children, students, and peers or help them and give good advice if you suspect someone may be experiencing any type of relationship abuse.
The following are just a few of the many red flags when it comes to relationship abuse.
1. Telling you who you can and cannot see
If someone tries to control who you see; whether that be family members, friends, or co-workers, stop seeing that person. Chances are, they are trying to control who you see because they are worried that you will find someone better or realize that how they are treating you is wrong. Nobody but yourself should be making the decision for who you see in your life. That is your choice.
2. Telling you what to wear
Unless you are 13 and your parents are telling you that you can't wear your crop top or jeans so low that your boxers show, what you wear is your choice. Your partner shouldn't have any control in what you are wearing unless it's something that makes you feel amazing. Don't let someone force you into wearing something that makes you feel uncomfortable in your own body, or, not let you wear something because it shows off how beautiful you truly are.
3. Putting you down and calling you names
"Stop being such a screw-up."
"You can return this gift. Why would you think I'd even like that?"
"Have you thought about doing this instead? You're not great at it."
Don't give someone access to your heart and vulnerability if they are going to bully you. There isn't one good reason for someone to call you names or make statements that hurt your feelings and completely demoralize the person you are gifted to be. They should be encouraging you to continue to be your best. They should be complimenting you. They should love and cherish every part of you.
4. Making you feel like everything's your fault
The service is slow at the restaurant you are at for dinner but it's your fault because you were caught up at work and had to go an hour later when it's busy. Someone was texting and rear-ended you in your partner's car, but it's your fault because you probably weren't paying attention. You forgot to grab beer at the store but it's your fault because even though it wasn't on the list, you should have known. Actions like these are uncalled for. If your partner doesn't take responsibility for their actions and consistently finds ways to make you think things are your fault if they go badly, that's a sign of abuse.
5. Make you feel guilty for spending time with family or other people
You want to go over to your parents' house to watch the big game with your Dad like you always do, but they don't think your family likes them so they threaten you to not go. This follows closely with number one. If someone tries to make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with your family or other people, drop them. You cannot replace family but you can replace someone who treats you like dirt for someone who would want to join you or not even question you wanting to spend time with the ones you love the most.
6. Minimizing your feelings
Those who are hurting you; physically, mentally, sexually, verbally, or emotionally only care about themselves. They say they care about you but what really matters is how they feel. What they say and how they act do not correlate. They put blame on you and often make you feel guilty for not loving them enough. How dare you question their love for you after they throw something at you or yell at you. Just remember that your feelings and your heart would be top priority if they truly loved you.
7. Call or text you all the time
In the age of social media and smart phones, this one is a big one. Often we come across people who get angry if we don't answer our phone within 30 seconds. They might text you 30 times in a row and then call you horrible names for not responding right away even though it was 3 AM and you were sleeping. They might show up at your work to find out why you aren't answering the phone even though you are busy doing your job. They need to see who you are texting 24/7 and even need to know your social media passwords. This is not the behavior of a good partner. This is controlling, abusive, and their way to gain more power.
8. Physically hurt or endanger you
The person you choose to be in a relationship with should never lay a hand on you. Never. There is no rhyme or reason to why this would ever be okay no matter how many times they apologize... It is not right. They should never be putting you in dangerous situations, especially if you feel uncomfortable. They should never leave bruises on you - visible or invisible.
9. Humiliating or embarrassing you
There are conversations that are meant to stay at home or to be said in private. Your partner should never say rude things or verbally abuse you in front of your family. They should never come into your workplace and yell at your in front of your co-workers and boss. They should never be doing anything that they know would make you look bad only to what they think will make themselves look better. If they do something that makes you feel uncomfortable or embarrasses you, approach them on that in private. If they see no problem with it or continue these acts, they are not for you.
10. Threatening suicide if you leave.
This type of threat or behavior is never okay but it happens more than people realize. When someone does this to someone else, it makes them feel like they can't even tell anyone. They feel bad and feel as if they have to do by them so they don't hurt themselves. They say that they love you so much if you broke up with them they wouldn't be able to live another day. They force you to stay with them or they will cut themselves right then and there. Whether someone does this as a way to obtain power or if they are really mentally unstable - someone needs to be told about this. If someone does this to you, there are many resources out there like hotlines that you can call to help you find the best solution to get out of that relationship or how to help a partner who truly is mentally unstable.
Words To Remember
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Whether you are experiencing these yourself, have in the past or know someone who is. Share the signs to help spread awareness to help current victims and to help prevent others. By sharing your story or simply sharing the signs of domestic abuse, you could help yourself, your child, a teenager, or a stranger, avoid toxic people. You can help them find a way out. You could help someone who may not even know they are in an abusive relationship. Look for the red flags and if you think someone you care about has become a victim of domestic abuse, let them know you are there to provide support.
