The holidays are around the corner, and we all have those cooky relatives we expect to see. (And aren't quite sure how to prepare for.) They bring something to the table, and I don't just mean the famous mashed potatoes.
1. The aunt who's offended by your tattoos and life choices, but boy, can she cook.
You know the one. She means well, but she's been lowkey staring you down the entire time.
"You know that's forever, right?!"
"Okay, Debra, but your marriage wasn't."
She might also poke fun at your Thanksgiving food-baby, but then send you home with leftovers.
2. The conspiracy theory uncle.
Ah, the conspiracy theory uncle. He'll probably try to start a political debate with you. He didn't vote for Trump either, but be prepared to hear why you're wrong. He might also tell you how the aliens are about to invade and the world will soon end. And by the way, you can't take his guns.
3. The grandma who disapproves of your clothes, and your date.
She greeted you with a big, wet kiss on the mouth. She probably did a double take on your significant other and then said something along the lines of, "You would just LOVE the neighbor boy. He's going to be a doctor, you know."
4. The aunt that flirts with your date.
It started out innocent.
"Who's your friend?"
Then it progressed to accidental butt touches, and a hug goodbye that was a little too long.
5. The aunt that wants to know why you don't have a boyfriend yet.
"Is it because you're a feminist?" "Does that make you a lesbian?"
It would be rude to respond by asking why she's on her fourth husband, so just sip that wine and embrace your cold, single holiday season.
6. The hippy cousin who wanted to write in Bernie.
No, wait. That's me.
7. The cousin who is incredibly good looking and all of your friends ask about.
Yes, I know he got the better genes, and no I will not put in a good word for you.
8. The cousin who is way more successful than you.
Oh yeah, you have a doctorate and have traveled abroad? Well I can fit an entire bottle of wine in my Starbucks venti cup, and my story made deadline.
9. The aunt who keeps sneaking off to the car claiming she "forgot something," but comes back increasingly more drunk.
Hey, she's dealing with the crazy family, too, right? We all have our ways of coping.
10. The grandpa who makes subtle, racist comments to your cousin's black boyfriend.
The North won, Grandpa.
Pie, anyone?
Whatever your family consists of, make the most of this holiday season. Hug those crazy relatives if you have them, and stash an extra bottle of wine with your sneak-out aunt. I hope this added a laugh to your Thanksgiving, and distracted you from the political talk.
