Can I resume life in the third dimension again?
For the sake of journalism and a good ol' experiment, I (reluctantly) made myself a Tinder account Saturday night in hopes to gain some insight into the college/millennial/any person hook-up culture. Sure, I was insanely skeptical at first, but what was there to lose? I figured there couldn't be much harm in stepping out of my "single forever" comfort zone and I might even learn something ~cool.~ I only needed to last a week -- what could go wrong?
Everything.
Here are 10 reasons why you shouldn't be on Tinder during your freshman year of college:
1. It just feels wrong.
First of all, are these people really looking for love? Or a relationship? Or feelings??? The whole thing felt incredibly shallow, and it's hard to believe seven guys named Kevin with the same bowl haircut and blue polo are that into you.
2. The photo quality is terrible.
Fellas, I'm afraid your entire gender is going to need a crash course in the art of selecting a reasonable profile pic. Also, are you trying to confuse us all by ONLY providing a group pic for your main? Which one are you? Pass. (P.S. - please supply recent, up-to-date photos. I need to see this so-called 22 year old man, not snaps from middle school.)
3. The pick-up lines are even more terrible.
Alright, if another frat boy quotes Michael Scott quoting Wayne Gretzky one more time, I might lose it. Boys, boys, boys, there are other captions! All I was looking for was a lad with a semi-cute to moderately funny pun in their bio that could (possibly) make me swipe right.
4. Matching with someone is heart attack inducing.
Eek! I swiped right, you swiped right…now what? Do we go out? Do we adopt a dog? Do we elope and move to Reno? So. Many. Questions.
5. Accidentally swiping right when you meant to swipe left.
Okay, this one is also heart attack worthy. I didn’t mean to like your profile -- NOT SAYING I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU AS A HUMAN -- but what if you get the wrong idea? I don’t know, that big, red "NOPE" stamped across your forehead just seems too harsh. I'm sure you have a charming laugh, Jason.
6. The pressure of a bio and ~attractive~ pictures.
I mean, what do I even SAY? Am I going for flirty or down-to-earth? Sophisticated or seductive? Let's be real here, I have finals in a week and this isn't the time to be customizing any thirst traps.
7. Meeting up.
The ultimate moment of truth. Kind of hoping you can actually carry on a conversation and kind of really hoping you're not a serial killer. And, I have questions. Like, why in the world did we meet on Tinder and not just meet each other in the real world like, you know, people?
8. Just putting yourself out there in general.
I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not the type to constantly look for hook-ups, casual flings, or even relationships. It was SCARY spending a week outside my comfort zone of love (or in my case, lack thereof.)
9. This won't lead to a lasting relationship.
Alright, this could go either way -- if you're only looking for one night stands, flirtationships to get you through spring semester, or any kind of casual rendezvous, this app is the one for you…and that's perfectly fine! But if you're truly looking for lasting love or a shot to grow a blossoming infatuation, sorry. This platform just isn't for you.
10. You could be spending your energy on you!
Hey, it's your first year of college! You're independent, you're on your grind, and you definitely don’t need to be wasting time chasing temporary relationships. Honestly, why settle for anything less than giving yourself 100 percent? It's time to swipe right on you -- all day, 'errday.
