1. Alcohol.
Let's get this one out of way. It started out with an, "I'm doing greeeaat.", and what at the time seemed like a seductive wink. It escalated into my rendition of Journey's Don't Stop Believin'. As the night winded down I took your hand and said I needed to talk. You asked how I was doing, but I just needed to talk because otherwise I was going to empty the contents of my stomach.
2. I thought we were friends.
Boy was that a mistake. Between the weekly shoulder to cry on, our walks to class together, and similar family backgrounds, I was under the impression I could open up. Was it so hard to give me these 20 minutes?
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3. I'm expecting you to lie to me.
If this was online, behind the anonymity and distance of a blog post, you'd be able to tell me just how reprehensible my actions have been. You could read me to hell about how the emotions I'm feeling are invalid because I'm an entitled narcissist who doesn't think about how my actions affect other people. In person? You're obliged to be nice to me, to tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm not oversharing because I expect a response from you; I'm oversharing because I expect my response from you.
4. I misread your facial expressions.
I took the nodding and attentive eyebrows as signs of genuine interest instead of what they actually were: concern. I kept going though, because I couldn't hear you screaming internally. I guess we're both at fault for this one.
5. This is the real me.
It's almost impossible organizing my personas across different social media platforms. My facade as a stable, reserved person is crumbling and I don't have the energy or the patience to keep up the act anymore. Yes, this is how I am really doing, all the time. It's exhausting and boring to seem put together all the time. I'm not! I may never be.
6. I wanted the instant gratification.
I couldn't handle the waiting period after posting vague status updates about some of my closest friends on Facebook and Twitter. I spend hours dreading the overall reaction from 600 people I barely know or talk to. Just once, I needed to be validated right now.
7. I don't know how I'm doing.
I'm talking it out with another person in the hopes that i'll get the answer, myself. Frankly, I'm not used to the sound of my own voice this much.
8. I revel in making people uncomfortable.
In regular conversation I give away just enough details on a topic to identify how controversial it is, but with an air about me that says I may or may not agree with the opinion that you're forming about it. That forced laugh as I mention how critical I am of liberal feminism? You can't quite tell if it's because I despise the "liberal" part or the "feminism" part. You're not going to ask me about it either, because you wanted this conversation to end the moment you heard me say "sheeple" un-ironically. You asked me how I was doing and got dragged into a speech that was basically rehearsed.
9. I was pleasantly surprised.
I don't really get asked about something that isn't work or homework. There was stuff I was holding in and now I felt like I could share. People want to hang out but "How's it going?" almost always means "What are you doing? Are you free? " It's the new "What's up?" but for once I felt like this wasn't.
10. I want your help.
I wasn't really sure how to ask for it; I'm a prideful person. Instead of needing to bring myself down with a favor, I took an honest question and gave an honest answer. As far as how I'm doing, the only thing I know for sure is that I'm not okay. I think about it constantly and I just want someone to take a snapshot of my situation.
