In life, there are many things that are much easier said than done, like coming out of the closet. I personally have been hiding my closeted depression. For years I have been battling my anxiety as well as depression and here's a hazy list as to why.
- I'm afraid that people will see me differently. As a person that is typically the go-to friend with all of the answers, it scares me to be the one in search of something. Every human has their flaws, but having it together is what I've always been good at.
- Growing up Christian has taught me that the answer to every problem is God. That the sadness that lurks over me is merely a demon, and that the answer is prayer. However, sometimes I pray and it feels like I'm talking to myself. It is all too frequently that I need a comforting voice and all I hear is myself.
- Whether or not people like to admit it, there is a stigma that comes with mental disorders. Professional environments see your illness as a reason to deem you unstable, schools see you as a liability and strangers associate you with the extremes that may be attached to whatever it is that you are suffering from.
- Most people do not actually consider mental illnesses legitimate diseases. People will tell you to lighten up, it will be OK, stop complaining, to look at the bright side. These people are negating the fact that we do not have control over this.
- Acknowledging my current issues means bringing back to life my old ones that I have been trying to suppress. Many of us are suffering from the results of past traumatic events.
- No one wants to love a sad girl.
- I don't have the time to set aside for actually addressing the root of my issues.
- “The Talk” is entirely too awkward and annoying to continuously have with people (especially when they truly don't get it).
- My mom worries entirely too much and I'm afraid of breaking her heart.
- It seems much easier to just pretend. Conversations go so much quicker when you can say, “I'm just tired” instead of, “I'm horribly sad and I have no real reason why.” I'm terrified that I may actually have an issue. If I ignore it, it may not be real. However, if I acknowledged it then it becomes concrete.
I am writing this because I'm sure there are more people suffering from depression and hiding that fact. This list is to let those people know that I'm not sure that it ever gets better or easier, but maybe one day that first step won't seem so impossible to make.
I know that people will attempt to invalidate your problems, but when they do remember that at least one other person on this planet understands how it feels to know exactly what's wrong and still feel lost. As cliché as it sounds, it does get better. I have such a better handle than I did even a year ago. The key is to keep trying.
P.S. If you need help, try to seek it. See a doctor, call a hotline like The Samaritans or look up self-help tips. You can win the fight, and you are not weak just because sometimes you are losing it.
