When I started off my freshman year, I was terrified of all of the mean professors my high school teachers hyped up. You know, when you would come in late to class, and your teacher would go off about how in college, your professors will fail you for such things? I'm sorry to say, but he's real, but he's not the only kind of professor you'll have. Now that I've got a few years in college under my belt, I can guide you through the different types of professors you'll have.
1. The Luddite
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This guy is so old, that he was not only a professor when your mom when to college, but when your grandparents did too. He doesn't know how to make a PowerPoint or play a YouTube video, and firmly believes that he doesn't need such frivolous things to properly teach you. Make sure you drink lots of Red Bull before class, because this professor will spend every moment you have in class standing at the front of the room talking. He won't have any visuals, he won't leave any time for questions or discussions. Learning is listening, don't you know?
2. The Dad
This professor has kids in high school, and as a result, thinks he's the most hilarious man in the world. He'll open up lectures with puns and jokes, almost certain that he'll knock them out of the park, but they're always a miss. He's a huge sports fan, and he'll let you know. Despite his lame jokes and balding head, The Dad will still be one of your favorite professors you'll have. He'll always be there to listen to your problems, believe in your abilities, and give you great advice.
3. The Ghost
Is this professor even a staff member of the university? No one's ever heard of her, and she's never there. She'll cancel class about once a week, and when she is there, she's not really there. When you tell people you're taking her class, even those who have been there for years, no one has heard of her. Even your other professors scrunch up their faces in confusion at her name. Did she really work there, or was she just some homeless lady who came in and lectured at you three times a week? The world may never know.
4. The Cult Leader
Everyone's had this professor. People in your major, people who used to be in your major, and even people who have never taken a similar class to this in their life. He's hilarious, charming, and everyone loves him. Women love the Cult Leader, and men want to be the Cult Leader. You, along with every other student at your university, want desperately to impress him. You weren't even sure why you liked him so much, but there he was, grasping hold of your heart. You're pretty sure that that was the only class that you actually learned anything, because you hung on to every word...for some reason.
5. The Foreign Guy
This professor is probably the smartest person you've ever met, but every day is a struggle to understand what he's saying. He's probably from Europe, but you're not actually sure. He's lived literally everywhere around the world, but acts like it isn't a big deal. He'll give an example from the time he lived in China for a summer, or when he got his Master's in Russia. Most people said they hated his class because of his thick accent, but you're too busy wondering how the hell he ended up teaching at your boring old university more than anything else.
6. The Hippie
This professor definitely took a bong hit or two before coming to class. She's always talking about her karma, her eleven year old daughter, and her twelve pets. She's liberal as hell, and hey, nothing wrong with that, but she'll go off about Ronald Reagan or military spending for half an hour, and this isn't even a poli-sci class. She comes to class wearing maxi dresses and smelling like incense, and always has something weird to say.
7. The Generous Grad Student
This guy is only a few years older than you. You definitely have ketchup that's been in your fridge longer than he's been in grad school. He has absolutely no classroom management skills and unfortunately, it shows. You'll feel guilty about texting in class and turning things in late all the time, but hey, he's letting you walk all over you, so you might as well give yourself a break. Go easy on him.
8. The Conspiracy Theorist
This breed of professor is a brother to the Hippie, but this guy almost makes you buy into it. By the time the class is completed, you're a little convinced that aliens built the pyramids, the Free-Masons secretly run the country, and that 9/11 was an inside job. Again, what he talks about has nothing to do with what the class is about, but he somehow finds time to bring it up. Of course, you know that all of it is absolute shenanigans, but he did have a lot of convincing evidence...
9. The Tenure Teach
Similar to the Conspiracy Theorist, this professor says whatever the hell he wants. Why? Because he has tenure, and they can't fire him. He'll talk shit about the Dean, he'll talk shit about the administration, and he'll talk shit about the establishment. He'll answer his phone in class, he cancel classes whenever he feels like, and he might even be a little racist. They can't fire him, so he might as well say whatever the hell he wants, and believe me, he will.
10. The BAMF
Remember how the Luddite was a professor when your grandparents were in school? Well this professor was his babysitter. The BAMF is the little old lady you thought was adorable, until she opens her mouth. She's a hardass, so make sure you study. She knows that you're smart, so she won't take anything less than perfection. The BAMF lived a wild life-she's probably friends with Bernie Sanders, burned bras with Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and has a tattoo on her butt from the 70's. She's who you want to be when you grow up, and she'll still probably be able to keep up with you.
College teaches us to work with all different types of people, and professors are no different. While there's no perfect professor, these incredible instructors give us a reason to get up-and laugh- in the morning.
