Full disclosure: I'm not a huge fan of toast. When I'm sick and it's all I can stomach, sure, hand over the carbs, but otherwise, I'll have to pass. So when I tell you that these ten pieces of toast are better than The Sandlot you can see just how strongly I feel about the movie. Perhaps if I wasn't forced to watch it constantly as a child I wouldn't feel this way about it, but let's not dwell in the past. (Because it's the present and I really hate the Sandlot.)
1. Here's a lovely piece of toast:
Slap some butter on it and call it a meal. I would love to chew on this toast rather than watch Ham say "You're killin' me, Smalls!" one more time. Because by the end of the movie, I gotta side with Ham on this one.
2."The Sultan of Swat! The Great Bambino!"
How about some good old fashioned rye bread? I think Babe Ruth would get behind that. It would be much better than seeing Smalls attempt to be cool for the thousandth time. (I mean, Jesus, how do you not know what a marshmallow is?)
3. This toast is just straight up burnt.
It looks unappetizing and inedible. Probably enough carcinogens to cause cancer. And yet, I'd eat it any day if it meant I never had to watch the Sandlot again.
4. Some background about this picture:
It came from a wikihow article on how to eat toast. And let me tell you: I would much rather read a step-by-step guide on how to eat toast than watch Squints trick Wendy Peffercorn into kissing him. (He's only nine but something about this scene is just uncomfortable.)
5.Now here's a piece of toast I can see myself eating.
I definitely wouldn't barf this one up after chewing tobacco like SOME people on a Tilt-a-whirl.
6. This piece of toast is essentially screaming into the existential void.
It's smiley face lacks any warmth and I feel like I'd be ingesting fear if I were to eat this. But you know what I always say: hey, it's better than watching the Sandlot for the 24,863th time.
7. This is a visual representation of my heart when I am forced to watch the Sandlot.
Empty. Nada. Zip. Zero. Just a cold, dead organ lying in my body cavity.
8. I... I have so many questions in regards to this image, number one probably being do you own a knife? If so, follow up question: why?
But would I eat 10,000 slices of this sh**** peanut butter disaster toast if it meant that the Sandlot was never filmed? I think we all know the answer to that.
9. I think this may just be bread. Not even toasted, just plain, room temperature bread.
But does it have a Babe Ruth signed baseball on it? Is it chased by a monster dog that slobbers all the livelong day? Is that dog owned by a blind man that is inexplicably played by James Earl Jones? No. And thus, it is still better than the Sandlot.
10. Wow, look, moldy toast! A treat! A delight! For it is not:
-a story about baseball
-a story about a baseball being lost
-a story about that said baseball being eaten by a mutant dog
-a stepfather who just FORGAVE his ungrateful stepson for losing his priceless ball
-boys puking onto innocent passersby
-boys that don't have real names
-a ghost of Babe Ruth
-a kid who looked like a duck
-something that my brothers made me watch every Friday when I was a kid
In conclusion: please never make me watch movies with you, because ten to fifteen years later, I'll write an article about you, and also I'll end up hating the movie. To be fair, I recognize that making you watch The Sound Of Music is probably your own form of torture; however, the next time you're looking for someone to watch your male bonding movies, maybe ask Dad.
Thank you. God bless. Play ball. Go team.
