With Valentine’s Day coming up everyone is scrambling to find that “special” someone they can ask out to prove they have a Valentine. Maybe it’s that random kid you once had a conversation with in class. Maybe it’s the girl you accidentally just bumped into that you swear you have a connection with. Perhaps it’s an old romance you’re trying to rekindle from high school. Whatever the case may be, I bet you’re probably trying to think of the perfect thing to say to get them to say yes to you. Well you’re in luck. Here are some things you DEFINITELY SHOULD NOT say to them. If that helps. :) *Disclaimer* This article is satirical and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

"Want to smell something weird?"

TBH I don’t know why you would ask this question. I definitely wouldn’t use this as a starting point, and I really wouldn't ask this over text, but hey maybe there will eventually come a time where your S.O. does want to smell something weird…I just don’t think you’re there yet.

"You DTF?"

Maybe if this was 2009 and life was just one giant episode of Jersey Shore this would be appropriate but it’s 2017 and we’re not all Pauly D. If you wanna know if your partner is DTF, find a better way to ask.

“Well here I am. What were your other two wishes?”

I promise you, if I had 3 wishes none of them would be used on you, We all know wishes are best used for money, materials, hot celebrities, loads of things we want, and more wishes. Go back into the hole you crawled out of.

“Hi my name is ____ and I have a penis!”

Really? I mean really? I’m glad you clarified. I just assumed there was a small mouse down there. Good to know though! If we’re stating the obvious should I inform you I have two legs and the sky is blue?

“Hey babe wanna get lucky?”

I will consider myself extremely lucky if you walk away from me. How does that sound?

“Are you from Tennessee cause….”

Wait I’m going to stop you right there. Don’t even bother finishing the sentence. I’m not from Tennessee and even if I was I'd still hate this pick up line. At least use something a bit more creative.

“I just shi* my pants….can I get in yours?”

First off, I’m gonna need you to step away and re-evaluate what you just said out loud to me. Usually the word shi* doesn’t turn me on but good try!

“Oh no I’m choking, I need mouth to mouth.”

Have you seen a person choking??? If you were choking you wouldn’t be talking. Secondly, if you’ve ever taken a CPR class you’d know they don’t recommend giving mouth to mouth to strangers. Good day sir.

“I’m lost, can I have directions to your heart?”

Yes, make a left in Hell and keep going.

And finally…

“Was your mother a beaver? Because DAM”

On second thought…definitely go with this one.