Thanksgiving is the quintessential American holiday. Where else can we celebrate our gratitude by buying more food than we can eat, stuffing ourselves until we feel like hurling, and then going back for thirds before sleeping it off so the Black Friday shopping can begin? It's always the same ten phases every Thanksgiving Thursday, and let's face it - we love every second of it.
1. The Deep Clean
I haven't cleaned this deeply since... actually, I've never cleaned this deeply. Because according to Mom, every relative is going to be eating dinner on my freshly-made bed.
2. The Fast
Concentrate. Eyes on the prize. You've been waiting all year for this day, training your stomach to stretch as far as it will go. Don't blow it on cheese and crackers now.
3. The Set Up
I swear, we had a complete set of matching forks yesterday. They're plotting against us with the turkeys. I'm going to be served instead of turkey if I can't find that little traitor.
4. The Relative's Contribution
What the heck is that? A loaf of jello?! Who invited Aunt Ida and her freakish green growth on a plate? How is she even related to us, again?
5. The Assigned Seats
Stuck at the kid's table... for the 21st year in a row. I guess no matter how old I get, I will always be a child. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm still stuck here talking to a five-year-old when I'm 80.
6. Pure Gluttony
The time has come. FEAST. Let the food stacking and fifth helpings begin.
7. Turkey talk with the relatives
Drowning out the constant nagging about why I'm not married yet gets harder every year... no, Aunt Ida, I don't need you to set me up with your hairdresser's cousin. Especially if he likes your poisonous jello loaf.
8. The Regret
Why in the world did I eat that much... do I hate myself? Am I subliminally trying to kill myself? The pain is excruciating... wait, is that more pie?
9. The Nap
The sleep that follows the pure, unadulterated show of filthy indulgence. Face it - it's the best nap you'll get all year.
10. The Encroaching Christmas
TIME FOR SANTA.
