Since I have no money to purchase the physical book, I Spark-Noted Homer's entire "Odyssey." And thus, with the aftermath of the Trojan War in my mind, I found 10 both valuable AND useful lessons from the story of Odysseus…take a look!

1. Too many suitors are annoying!

We get it, guys, you like Penelope (Odysseus’s wife), but honestly it’s rude to be snatching up this woman so quickly after her husband hasn’t returned from the Trojan War.

2. Drugs are bad.

When Odysseus and his men become lost at sea after leaving Troy, they find themselves on an island of lotus-flower-eaters. A few fellows thought to themselves, “Hey, let’s eat these psychedelic flowers,” and ended up forgetting everything they ever knew. So overall, don’t’ do drugs because that really slows down the journey.

3. Cyclopes are foes, not friends!

So when Odysseus and his men stumble into a Cyclops’s cave, he decided to snack on a few guys for fun. Luckily, Odysseus was quick witted and blinded the Cyclops, and the men were able to escape on the bellies of sheep.

Also, great news, the Cyclops was the son of Poseidon (God of the Sea), which happens to be the small bit of water that Odysseus is using as a means of transportation. So that’s great news.

4. Pigs are humans too.

Again, Odysseus and his men are WAY off track on their voyage and happen upon the island of the goddess Circe. She kindly turns many of the sailors into pigs. She spends a year having sex with Odysseus, and in return, makes the pigs human again.

5. The underworld is a pretty helpful place.

Finally, Odysseus decides to ask for directions home. Although he has to zip to the underworld real quick, it is totally worth it because his deceased mother is really helpful. Shout out to moms everywhere.

6. Sirens sing really well.

Okay, so we’re on our way home, and whom should we hear but the sweet lulls of sirens. Luckily, they don’t trick Odysseus, so everyone aboard is safe from death by song—the most gruesome manner to go.

7. Watch out for sea monsters.

Again, Odysseus can’t catch a break. When the monsters Skylla and Charbdis (please note: great baby names) cross the ship, they end up indulging on a few sailors as brunch. Fortunately, most men survive….BUT sea monsters are not great for overall sailing morale.

8. Kobe beef isn’t worth it — in the long run.

Next, the crew finds themselves on an island where the sun god, Helios, keeps his precious cattle. The Einstein’s that they are decide it’d be a fantastic idea to eat a few. Thus, Helios throws a fit and kills all the men but Odysseus in a giant storm. Great job guys.

9. No one likes a shipwreck.

Except maybe Kalypso, mostly because she keeps Odysseus there for seven years as a sex slave. Either way, he eventually escapes back to Ithaka.

10. Playing dress-up is fun at any age.

Especially when Odysseus pretends to be a beggar and ends up beating up all of Penelope’s other suitors. Thus, peace in the land.

Overall, the biggest theme that I see in the Odyssey is that being vegetarian is not a bad idea. First of all, it keeps you from eating your friends who may be animals. And furthermore, not eating meat saves you from a lot of trouble with the gods. But also please remember that we aren’t living in ancient Greece anymore, so nearly none of this is applicable to modern day life.