There are two dates in my life that will be forever etched in my memory: April 4, 1995 and January 4, 2001. Those are the dates I lost my parents, Don and Jewell Law.
Tuesday, April 4, 1995 was a normal day at Purdue University for me. I had completed all of my classes. At my dorm, I began my binge watching of Saved By the Bell for the evening (it was on different channels an hour at a time). I was waiting for the dining hall to open so I could get my dinner in so I could get back and get any homework finished before my Tuesday night shows (I believe Roseanne was the highlight). There was a knock on my door after Screech delivered one of his funny lines. I yelled, "Come in!" thinking it was one of my roommate's friends wanting him to go to dinner. Instead, it was my sister, aunt, and cousin. The looks on their faces were of shock and sadness.
My heart was beating so hard. I am not for sure if it had ever beat that hard. My mind raced as I began to go through all of the things I thought they were about to tell me. I knew someone had died. But who? My mom, dad, my nephew? My sister told me that Dad had a massive heart attack while driving his semi in Columbus and had died. I began to pack things, grabbing books, laundry, even a Purdue directory to call my instructors to tell them I would be missing class. I told a neighbor that I did a Bible study with to let our RA know I would be leaving because my dad died.
He was 52. I was 20.
The next few years were extremely difficult with grief and uncertainty. The phrase "Time heals all wounds" is partially true. It just puts a distance between you and the event that caused the wound.
After graduating and going my own path, my mom remarried. Once I had my teaching job, she sold me the house, and she moved with her new husband to a farm near Flat Rock, Indiana. Life had moved on.
My mom had had some health issues beginning in the early 90's. Her issue was she couldn't get her legs to move. Many doctors and some family members just told her she was being lazy and a drama queen. Little did they know she had a legitimate disease. Today, we would call it Multiple Sclerosis. My mom was never diagnosed and was never treated. In those days, there wasn't a course of treatment and very little was known about it.
In the fall of 2000, my mom began having back pain. She was taken to the hospital, and it became worse. She was transferred to Methodist in Indianapolis. The diagnosis was divics disease. This is where the nerves do not transfer signals from the brain to extremities. She could no longer walk. She had to do physical therapy to help with her writing and walking.
My mom had to be in a wheel chair and have assistance going to the bathroom. This was humilating for her because she had always been so independent. She had done it a million times for many others, but I know she never would have imagined being in that position at a younger age. By being in the wheel chair, she developed a blood clot. She then had to be put on a blood thinner.
She was on the road to recovery. She was walking with a walker and was in much better spirits. She was gaining her independence. She was so hopeful that she would be able to get out and drive her car.
In the early morning of Thursday, January 4th, I heard my phone ring. It was about 4:30 AM. I listened to a message from my sister saying my mom was being taken to the hospital. They think she had a bad stroke. All I could think was "How could this be? She was fine last night?" I also felt in my being that this was not good. Then I began to pray, "God, what are you doing to me? Why is this happening? My mom has been such a faithful person. I have been so good. All I want is everything to be normal."
I drove with my aunt to the hospital. The doctor told us she had a massive cerebral hemorrage and that there was no hope of her surviving this. It had been less than six years since I lost my dad. How could this be? This was not supposed to happen like this. My mom died peacefully at about 10:30 that morning.
She had just turned 56. I was about to turn 26.
In the 21 and 15 years following my parents' deaths, I have learned valuable lessons. Some of them have not always been pleasant ones. Some of them have made me appreciate things a little more. It has made my world much more different than my contemporaries.
Lesson 1: Life is short.
My parents died at what I consider a young age. I have begun to realize in the last few years that you have to live. I realized I was just living and not "living." I have pursued my dreams and traveled to places I have only wished I could.
Lesson 2: Holidays are tough.
I dread holidays still. I always feel out of place when I go to family members' houses on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. I always feel an emptiness. I secretly hope that in an alternate universe I would be celebrating. Even though it is tough, I still celebrate and participate. Being by yourself on a holiday is not really the best when you have experienced loss. Surrounding yourself with friends and family does help ease grief.
Lesson 3: Time is more valuable than things.
I used to think the amount of presents you got was the sign of a good holiday. I realized that spending time with family is incredibly important. You just never know when someone is not going to be there any longer. For Christmas, I stopped buying my niece and nephews toys, CD's, and movies. I have bought them season passes to Kings Island, tickets to Broadway shows, and taken them to the movies. I cherish those moments much more than a Britney Spears CD.
Lesson 4: My world is much different than my contemporaries.
A lot of people my age still have both parents. They are so lucky. Losing your parents is something you will never know what it is like until it happens to you. Most people my age have spouses and children. I am single which makes the loss a little more complicated. While they can spend time together, I have to kind of find a place to "celebrate" the holidays.
Lesson 5: Being sentimental can be a good thing and a bad thing.
I have always been very sentimental since a young age. The last few years, I have found books that I have used in my classroom that my mom had written my name in 18 years ago. I have started pulling them from the shelves. There are certain things that I know I could get rid of such as old pens, some unimportant papers and receipts. I had second thoughts in getting rid of a 20 year old lawn mower my mom bought, but I decided it really wasn't the Declaration of Independence or anything.
Lesson 6: Loss changed my faith.
I was always brought up in church. Through all of the tough times growing up, along with the good times, I have always leaned upon the Lord. I have prayed daily for decades. Many times death can drive people from God. I feel like it has made my faith stronger, although it is not the every day normal faith. I feel like I changed from being "religious" to being "spiritual." My heart and mind became open minded to many thoughts and ideas. My spiritual being continues to rely upon the Lord.
Lesson 7: It is very strange being no one's child.
When I began my acting career and I didn't have any one in the audience, there was such a heaviness in my heart. I realized my mom and dad were never going to come to the stage and tell me they loved my performance. Yes, I know, they are probably watching from the great beyond, but I will never hear those words.
Another thing about not being anyone's child is I miss when my parents would give me money to go do something. I also have no safety net. I have seen many family members and friends who have had to get money from their parents to survive. I have not had that luxury.
Lesson 8: It's all right to talk to them.
I would probably have some people say that they can't hear you. I will say there are times I have driven to the cemeteries where my parents are buried, and the only thing that would help is to just talk to them. There are times I have been at home and have felt their presence. I have started talking to them. It is a comfort to do that.
Lesson 9: Memories are so important.
I love to tell or hear stories about my parents. I have found storytelling to be one of the best ways to keep their memories alive. There are also the physical items such as my dad's tools or my mom's rocking chair that have so many memories attached to them. Looking at pictures is also a great way to see them over the years. It is particularly exciting to find a picture that I have never seen before.
Lesson 10: No one can ever replace your parents.
When I was without both of them, I seemed to search for people to replace them. I realized that my parents were one of a kind, and our relationships were unique to us. I always hope that I can find a relationship to get close to that.
I have lived nearly half my life without my parents. They were good people whose time on earth was cut short. I often wonder why God took them at a time that I still needed them. There have been events, good and bad, they have missed. I have wished that I would wake up, and it would be 1980 something. My mom and dad were characters that if I ever have my own sitcom will be very featured. They are missed on a daily basis, but I have learned that without them how strong I can be. They raised me right and for that I am grateful.
