Spring Break season is finally here, and students across the country are wondering how they will spend their one week of freedom. Some people might go to a theme park or the beach, but there are WAY more things to do that will blow your mind!
1.) Question Your Existence
Why are you here, and where are you going? Will you be remembered after you're gone? Will all your tiresome labors amount to anything in the end? After all, no matter how hard you work during your entire life, you won't get any farther than the Joe Shmoe down the street since both of you will be dead in about a hundred years anyway! Isn't life funny that way? Pondering your existence is a great way to descend into an existential crisis where you will be forced to deal with the reality that you will inevitably fade into oblivion with the rest of mankind. Remember, death is looming and inescapable!
2.) Lay in Bed Motionless For the Entire Week
Nothing is more fun than experiencing a mild bout of catatonia as you stare blankly at your bedroom wall and realize that you are stuck in a flesh prison which limits your capacity to fulfill all of your wildest dreams, that society will judge and criticize you on despite how hard you try to perfect it, that there will always be people who will always hate you no matter how hard you try to please them, and that whatever goal you are currently working toward has the ability to fail and never be achieved! At least you can watch Netflix alone without being subjected to the harshness of the outside world, right?
3.) Read the Communist Manifesto
Since this is your one week off for the school year where you get to relax, unwind, and spend your time as you want, it's important to remember that the entire idea of a “break” is an oppressive capitalist concept in which the proletariat is deceived into believing they are experiencing true “joy” or “freedom” when, in reality, these concepts cannot exist when we are forced to sell our labor day in and day out for a measly paycheck that some executive believes we are deserving of, and what makes us sacrifice our valuable time for our entire lives until the day we take our final breaths and realize that all along, through the heartache, disillusionment and false happiness we were nothing but a slave to the aristocracy that binds us all, no matter how much control we believe we have, into submission.
4.) Sleep
When suffering is all that consumes our conscious, another option we can choose is to practice our sacred test-run for death and slip into unconsciousness where our fantasies can become realities and all our fears and disappointments subside. After all, just like a Wikihow article once said, “You will either feel better or worse when you wake up, but it's better than suffering.”
5.) Act on Everything Your Intrusive Thoughts Tell You to Do
Everyone gets random thoughts like “I want to eat cardboard” or “I should become an Icelandic sheep herder and forget about my past.” The best solution to these thoughts is just to act on them! Be spontaneous! Do it. Come on. Just do it. Now. Don't hesitate. They're watching. They know that you hear them. They're coming to get you. Just do it. Just do it. Just—
6.) Shave All The Hair Off Your Body
There is something wonderfully cleaning about a fun new haircut, so why not shave your head The Wall style and maybe even your eyebrows? You'll have a fun new look that all your friends will find interesting, and you'll finally be clean like you've always wanted to be. I mean, of course, you shower and all, but what would it be like to have nothing touch you? To have weight lifted off of you and refuse to conform to society’s standards of beauty? You don't need that! Just take a radical new take on beauty and reinvent yourself!
7.) Sell All Your Belongings and Devote Your Life to the Cult Leader of Your Choosing
From Buddhist monks to Charles Manson’s female devotees, everyone finds those who are willing to commit wholeheartedly to a cause to be incredible! Why not find some random leader in a South American rainforest and believe every word he says without question. Deny yourself of some boring critical thinking and let someone else do something for you for awhile! It's a nice break from your intense routine, and you'll definitely learn more about others when you practice the time-honored tradition of groupthink. (And maybe drink some cold refreshing Kool-Aid as a fun snack!)
8.) Explore the “Deep Web”
From organs sold on the black market to secret hacks into credit cards posted into exclusive chat rooms for identity theft, you can find just about anything you need on the deep web. Most “normies” have never heard of it, but if you want to look cool to your friends, go buy some organic Norwegian weed from a forum or even an AK-47! Maybe most of it is illegal, but who cares? Everyone loves to be a little dangerous once in a while. ;)
9.) Cry
Everyone knows it's healthy to cry, and you should set aside some time to do it! Pop in your favorite sad movie, turn off the lights and let your salty tears slide down your face as you use the plot of a story as a cathartic avenue into expressing your own repressed feelings of sadness that you never feel you can adequately show. Everyone needs a little help, and sometimes crying can't be done alone with our own thoughts. You can also cry to a sad song, a book or even a play! Just let your tears come unhindered, and let all of you inhibitions subside.
10.) Kill a Man
The infamous Zodiac Killer once wrote, “Man is the most dangerous animal of all; to kill something gives me the most thrilling experience; it is even better than getting your rocks off with a girl,” so you should feel that exhilarating adrenaline rush too! You might be overwhelmed with guilt afterwards, but the shocking excitement and tingling sensation that runs throughout you body when you take the life of another human being is truly indescribable unless you've felt it personally. As long as the law doesn't bust you, you have nothing to worry about!
Hopefully, you take some of these ideas and apply them yourself. Have a happy spring break, and remember, lemon juice, cold water and hydrogen peroxide are great for removing blood!
Disclaimer: Hey NSA worker reading my article/search history: no I do not advocate doing any of these. Please don't arrest me. I am a dumb child. Xoxo.
