1. Delta Tau Delta
I don’t know what it is, but I tried really hard on this one, guys. I swear it. My good buddy, Deklin, was in this frat. I followed him and his dudes everywhere they went. I even packed sandwiches when they went out bird dogging chicks. And no, they didn’t ask me to. I’m just that considerate. Don’t know where I went wrong on this. Still bummed.
2. Pi Kappa Alpha
Thought I was a shoe-in for this one because they said they wanted a lot of virgins there. But it turns out they didn’t mean me. They meant fucking Rory Gilhearst who somehow got an invite over me. Screw him, though. Heard it was just a bunch of freshmen girls anyway. What kind of a party is that? They can’t even drink!
3. Intensive Care Unit
Gotta take the L on this one. I thought ICU meant something else. Still though, the nurses could’ve handled the situation with a little more panache.
4. Alpha Gamma Omega
This one was a reach. Basically my buddy, Thomas, and I decided to wait in line outside like the rest of the plebeians. But get this: We did that classic Little Rascals gag where I sit on his shoulders and we wear a big trench coat. The logic was that they wouldn’t turn down an adult. But we should’ve thought it through because I’m a sturdy 5’11 and he has severe spinal bifida. So we looked like an upside Krazy Straw before his back just inverse-wishboned and sent me careening into the hunch punch with half his vertebrae around my ankles. A side note: At the hospital is where I saw the ICU sign, so you can understand my mistake in the frenzy of things.
5. Unidentified Flying Object
Got spat out from a cloud about forty feet from the ground. A week later I puked out a younger version of myself. He lives with me now and things are wacky.
6. Skull & Bones
Yeah, that’s right. I went for broke on this one. I heard that their local meet-up is inside this abandoned bowling alley near my place. Not too cool for a secret society, but what the hell do I know? They were scheduled to do this whole ritual where they decide who the next president will be. So I barged in.
7. Skull & Bones (Bowling Team)
Yeah so I never actually looked at the logo for the “Skull & Bones” but this one is a jolly roger where the bones are bowling pins. Imagine my face when I show up with a box of Franzia ready to roar. Also, for what it’s worth, that bowling alley isn’t abandoned at all. I just assumed it was because of all the Puerto Ricans that do their car shows outside of it. Anyway, I burst in and find that the bowling team Skull & Bones is electing the next president of their club. Blushing throughout, I offer my wine cube to the newly elected Justin Trendle. He rebuffs me, though, and starts making fun of my pressed tweed suit and velvet cape. I tried to explain the situation but he reached up, grabbed my Bauta mask, and hurled it down the 10th lane. (Yes, okay, I expected an anonymous orgy because I was expecting the real Skull & Bones. Although, to be fair, I’d go to an orgy with Justin Trendle. That man has hands like a saddle – holds you where it counts.) Anyway, I left dejected by both groups.
8. The Puerto Rican Car Show Just Outside the Bowling Alley
They threw a hundred Coronas at me.
9. Chi Sigma Tau
I actually got invited to this one!! Well kind of. It was to a different Alex. Who lived in my same apartment. Guess who yet? The fucking younger version I puked out months prior. Remember that little guy? Yeah, well, he got invited before he even developed knee caps. I think it’s because he devoted his formative years to playing beer pong while I spent my entire childhood learning how to spin plates on sticks. So he got the invite and apparently it was a total rager. He got laid.
10. The Deli Near My Apartment
The whole thing was just really gauche. The guy refused to cut my ham as thin as I wanted and when I told him to pick a new career he told me to pick longer shorts. I can’t help it, though. I’ve resorted to wearing all of Little Alex’s clothes because he’s fucked on all of mine. Again, he’s six.
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