In 2015 I started my MA at Teachers College, Columbia University. In 2016 I joined Odyssey. This week everyone in the Columbia faction of Odyssey writes about the Ivy League. We're not pretentious; we have team spirit!! Yes, let's go with that.

Edit: Oh. Apparently the Columbia undergraduates are all collaborating on a listicle about “things you hope to gain as a Columbia undergrad.” That’s specific. Well anyway, here’s my thing.

1. In your first semester, you'll buy almost as many school products as an incoming freshman. What, I'm not typing this on a phone contained in a Columbia Lions case, that's crazy.

2. You'll go through a "screw Harvard students, what a bunch of jerks" phase that's playful and in no way serious. Unless you go to Harvard, in which case you might mean it.

3. You will thank god for a system (ahem: endowment) that allows you to continue going to career services even after graduation, or generally exploiting the alumni network. The Ivy League Brand is almost as invested in your success as you are.

4. You will try to avoid the quad, main lawn, yard, or any areas where undergraduates tend to hang out. Ivy League seniors may be impressive; they're still, like, 21. I respect them, and enjoy them. In small doses. You'll feel disdain for their collective privilege while being fully cognizant of your own.

5. You'll feel a few second’s excitement watching a movie or show that mentions your school by name, and a few minutes of excitement when it’s actively featured. (Examples: Soul Man, Ghostbusters, National Lampoon’s Animal House. Yes, Animal House. Let’s not kid ourselves. It’s Dartmouth. We all know it.)

6. You will learn that grade inflation in prestigious institutions is very, very real. You will mostly be happy about this. Mostly.

7. You will want to write to the dozens of teachers who believed in you, thanking them, and the few that didn't, cursing them. Especially the few that didn’t. Humanity is neurotic, what can I say?

8. You'll subscribe to almost every online magazine, Facebook group and frequently updated website your school provides. You'll then ignore the majority of alerts and emails they send you. You might even question why you joined your school's division of the "East Coast Carrion and Blackbird-Watcher Society" anyway. School pride is one thing, but that seems....awfully esoteric. Still, you won't unsubscribe. [Your Ivy League School] forever!

9. Speaking of school pride: You know that you’re officially an Ivy League student only by virtue of your school's undergraduate sports conference. That's literally where the term comes from. Therefore, you'll make an effort to care about Ivy League sports, unless you get distracted by homework, March Madness, the Rose Bowl, or any high-stakes sporting event. On the small chance you're able to muster legitimate enthusiasm, you'll probably say this sentence: "Aw man, even for the Ivy League, we suck!" As if you had participated in any way. And then you will have mastered false humility.

10. Oh right. You should probably master false humility and some point. I'm still working on it, obviously.