I asked a local divorce attorney what 10 things they wish there clients knew. Here is the list:

1. I can’t help you if you lie or hide information:

Attorneys plan their strategy on information that they receive from ‘discovery’ and from you. If you have something in your past or present that could hurt you in court, tell your attorney right away. If they know about it they can plan for it, mitigate the damage from it or possibly keep it out of the courtroom all together. If they get blindsided in the courtroom with it, you will suffer the legal consequences as well as the damage to the attorney-client relationship.

2. I am your advocate- do what I tell you:

Your attorney is your advocate. They may tell you things you do not want to hear or ask you to do things you don’t want to do, but it is all in YOUR best interest. If you don’t listen to them, what is the point of hiring them? They cannot help you if you won’t help yourself. Do not do the exact opposite of what they advised you to do...and when you do, do not expect them to get you out of the bad situation you caused.

3. Their services are not free:

You are paying for their expertise, education and experience- this is their ‘product.’ Most attorneys are sensitive to financial issues of their clients, so you must discuss this upfront if money becomes an issue. They can and will discontinue representation if your bill is not being paid. If you don’t pay your bill, they can’t pay their bills. Do not expect them to work on an emergent issue on Saturday if your bill is unpaid. Many attorneys require a large ‘retainer’ upfront and ask that it be kept ‘green.’ This is because they know if you can’t find the money while you are in a crisis, you sure as sugar won’t find the money when they finish solving your problems for you.

4. Don’t waste your money:

Attorneys charge by the hour and fraction of the hour. Do not waste your own money by arguing over silly things like houseplants. Do not be surprised if your monthly invoice is high when you have called your attorney every day for the last month. They charge for phone calls and answering emails – it’s all time devoted to your case and your questions. Many things in divorce are statutory, so don’t argue over issues that the law has already decided on. Be smart with the time you expect of your attorney and expect to be charged for the time they spend on you.

5. Courts are “happiest” when both sides are equally “unhappy:”

Don’t make the judge decide who gets grandmas antique silver, or you fathers Civil War rifle. Even though things are rough right now, the more decisions the two of your can make together, the happier you will be in 5 years. You want to look back and feel like things worked out as best as they could and that you acted in a mature and respectful way. You don’t want a 3rd party making decisions that affect the rest of your life.

6. Make sure your kids will respect your behavior when they look back:

Divorce is tough on everyone. You had children with this person and you still need to parent with them even if you can’t live with them. You want to teach your kids that even though you went through a major life crisis, you did it with dignity and respect for the ‘family’ and didn’t put them in the middle. They will judge you when they are old enough to look back on this event, so make sure they can say you did the best you could in the situation. Don’t do things to ‘get even’ with your spouse – it just runs up your bill and makes you look like an angry child. Be the person you want to see your children grow to be.

7. Organization is key:

Make sure you can provide information requested by your attorney and do not hide information when it is requested – this just runs up your bill as your attorney tries to pull it from you and the other side files nasty court pleadings against you. Provide everything in an organized fashion, make a binder and file of your documents and keep copies of everything you provide. If you are open and honest with your attorney and can provide documents to support your story, your process will go much more smoothly.

8. Bring your manners to Court:

Respect for the Court and the Judge, as well as the opposing attorney, are paramount. You only have one chance to make a first impression, so wear your Sunday best. Do not show up to court in leather pants or a cut-offs; that tells the judge that this is not important enough for you to clean up and look respectful, so don’t be surprised when you don’t get any respect in return. Try not to make faces or nasty comments when walking past your spouse. Your attorney is trying to present you in the best light possible, so you need to do the same. And, if at all possible, leave your current lover at home.

9. Be Aware:

Old habits are hard to break. If your spouse cheated on their previous spouse(s) with you, they will likely cheat on you. If someone has been divorced more than once for cheating, the chances go up that your marriage will end in divorce too. It’s not written in stone, it just shouldn’t come as a surprise if it happens. If you plan to marry someone previously divorced for infidelity (theirs), have a strong pre-nuptial agreement done before you get married, it will make the divorce process go much easier.

10. They cannot give you advice if you already have an attorney:

It is against the rules for an attorney to give advice to a client who is already working with another attorney. They can listen to you for a brief consult if you are unhappy with your current attorney, but generally will not agree or disagree with you about specific complaints you may have. They will also be very cautious about taking you on as a client if they are the 4th attorney you have tried to hire because you didn’t like the first 3. They also cannot give you free advice for you to take back to your current attorney so you can tell that person what they should be doing differently.

Hopefully you will never need a divorce attorney, but if you do, hopefully this helps.