I was scrolling through Instagram the other night waiting for my hot chocolate order to be ready when or something when I saw a posting from "Thread Magazine." My friends are apart of it and I was able to write an article for them last semester, despite knowing jack about fashion. So, I am looking at the Thread's Instagram story and it was posting some updated horoscope for the month. The post read the following:

"The first few weeks of this month mark an introspective phase. Drawing you into a deeper search of your soul. With awareness, you can magnetize what you desire consciously. A cycle is ending, perhaps you're ending a job or changing your routines. Trust that this is a breakthrough, clearing the path for you to live your best life and chase your passion."

Now, I wouldn't say I am obsessed with horoscopes and that I dictate my life around every single thing about personality someone types out. However, whenever I do pay attention to my horoscope they are almost 100% accurate to what I am facing in my life. Maybe it's just some fancy wordplay but overall I think it's good to have some self-reflection in my life. It's something I try to do every day in the most non-cliche way possible. I think the reason this post hit me differently is because I am so lost in life right now. This past summer I would say I mature. Which is not saying much because I've naturally been a mature person all my life. But I think this summer I decided to really take a step back and look at what do I, Marc Anthony Brown, want in life. Someone whom I kind of knew passed away from suicide over the summer and I think their death really opened up my eyes. Ever since then I've been wondering if I am just going through the motions of life or am I actually enjoying it.

This isn't a pity party on me by the way, It's just important to me that I be real and I am naturally more open about my feelings on certain things. Over the summer, I learned an important life lesson about how not everyone is going to like you just because you're nice to them. That sometimes people will take advantage of your kindness because it helps them. This saddens me because I am generally a nice person who likes helping people when I know I can help them. I think just, in general, this past year I have had to learn eight years' worth of life lessons and social norms to understand how the world works. What do I mean by that? Well, I was a quiet kid in middle school and high school. I wanted to be friends with everyone but never knew how and so I always came off as the loner kid. Which is true in some aspects I am comfortable being alone I've had a lifetime to feel that (I am an only child). But I think now more than ever I am starting to feel the repercussions of being alone so much.

One of the things a lot of people don't know about guys as we get older is that it gets lonelier and lonelier. Naturally, adults don't have as many friends as they do in their younger years but it still gets depressing knowing that fact, especially with guys. When I hear that I just think of my step-dad who sits in the basement when he gets home, a natural loner but also a very sociable guy who can talk up a storm with anyone. I see that and I look at myself and my life right now. I live in on the floor where I hardly know anyone and no one is open to getting to know each other. My friends all live in different better dorms across campus. My roommate and I don't talk (and he's a slob too). I've gone maybe three days without hardly having a conversation with anyone.

I do try to social events but every single time I say I am going to one I do the following: I get up, I get dressed, I go out the door and walk to the event. I then get to the front of the event and then turn back around because I realize I am walking in by myself. I think personally I am trying to figure out what I want in life and I am at the fork in the road with two options. Option one is staying with my initial plan I've had for years and just not pursue any relationships and just focus on helping people while also focusing on my career. Or do I try to pursue this relationship with a girl I really like and have a happy ending? Is it selfish to want to be with someone? Only I can make myself happy but how does one do that?

Like I said, this isn't a pity party. But as the horoscope said, "A cycle is ending," I just hope I figure out what it is before it's too late...