Nothing is worse than having a loved one give up on you, especially when your mental illness is what caused them to scram. I know it can be very difficult to love and understand someone who struggles with a mental illness.
I had this happened to me recently. I had a bad day battling my depression and was very agitated and upset. Unfortunately, I had let it get the best of me, punching couch cushions and making snarky comments to anyone who talked to me.
I realized what I was doing and felt incredibly remorseful. I apologized to those around me, knowing I was being hurtful. I tried to explain I was having a bad day. Not everyone accepted my apology.
One of my best friends ended up leaving. I begged her to just let me explain and I told her I was truly sorry for my actions. She was not having any of it. I cried myself sick that night.
I'm not justifying myself in any way. I know I was being a complete jerk, and I am owning up to my behavior. At the same time, however, I just wish I had emphasized the fact that my depression does not define me as a person.
I wished that she didn't leave. I felt like she had just given up on me.
No matter how hard it can be, PLEASE don't give up on your loved ones who struggle with mental illness. Please don't leave them to suffer alone. We need support. We need a listening ear. We need love.
We're not asking you to fix us or our problems. We just want someone there.
I wrote a poem about what had happened. It explains to the reader that I didn't mean what I had done. It explains that my depression does not define me. Here it is:
No, please. Don't go.
I didn't mean it. That wasn't the girl you know.
My demon got the best of me, attacking
Whenever it could. From striking the couch to
Comments laced with venom.
I am at fault, yes.
I didn't handle it like a champ.
I could have fought harder, kept it all inside
Until the demon had calmed.
But I didn't. I let it run free.
I was weak, agitated, upset.
Why? I am not exactly sure. This just
Happens sometimes, coming from nowhere.
The blues, the tears, and the silence.
Those are all there, and I can't get rid of them.
Please don't leave.
Don't give up on me. You know this
Isn't me. Not at all. Why can't you
Understand? I didn't mean to hurt you.
My demon does not define me.
I just want to talk. I want you to
Listen to me. Let me explain. Let me
Apologize. I can't lose you over this.
Don't stop listening.
Don't stop loving.
That was NOT me.
Please don't leave.
