Recently, suddenly, tragically — I lost someone incredibly close to me in my family. One of my best friends, actually. My grandpa. And it's been a struggle to deal with this loss, to make sense of it all. Grief this strong — this powerful — is extremely new to me. And I know I'm not the only one struggling with a loss right now. So in an effort to help myself make sense of these crippling emotions, I decided I would write something that could potentially help others. Provide hope for a better tomorrow. Uplift a soul. Support another.
Just to be clear, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not even a psychology major; I haven't partaken in an immense study of the stages of grief; I haven't even felt all the stages in their "order." But I have felt all the feelings, again and again, that make up the grief process. And now I'm on a search for answers that bring clarity to these feelings, that brings peace to my soul when they rise again to attack. This is for everyone missing someone special; this is for everyone, including myself, who are struggling to make sense of a loss, make sense of grief.
Stage 1 - Denial
"Never apologize for being sensitive or emotional. It's a sign that you have a big heart, and that you aren't afraid to let others see it. Showing your emotions is a sign of strength." — Brigitte Nicole
Often times, we try to deny — disbelief taking root deep within our hearts — the tragedy that has blossomed before our eyes. According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler, during this stage, there is an emotionless numbness to us. We don't care about anything; we don't really feel anything. And sometimes it helps us to not be flooded with these overwhelming emotions. I can attest to have experienced this, but it's important to remember that our emotions can also keep us grounded; they give us strength. When the time is right, though, it is OK to feel; although it brings pain, it also brings clarity.
Stage 2 - Anger
"One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss, or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go." — Mareez Reyes
It's 100% OK to be angry; I know I have been. But every time it bubbles up inside of me, it becomes more and more sour. As we battle all of these emotions and embrace them the best we can, it is important to not let the anger manifest to the point we become it. I love this quote because it accepts the human nature of fighting to feel some of life's most labyrinthine emotions, but it also recognizes that the anger has to fizzle out eventually. For the peace of our own souls.
Stage 3 - Bargaining
"Cause you never think that the last time is the last time. You think there will be more. You think you have forever. But you don't." — Meredith Grey, "Grey's Anatomy"
Although this quote is more melancholy, I feel like it puts this difficult stage into perspective for me. I'm pretty sure I felt this stage first — the plead for a goodbye, for one more day. But, although it's hard to accept (I'm even struggling to accept it as I write it), we can't have one more day with our lost love. So, I urge you, to cherish each and every day with those you love the most. We will always want just one more day, that can never change, but we must also try to make the best out of all the other days we have.
Stage 4 - Depression
"That's what life is – a domino effect. One thing comes crashing down, and the rest of your life seems to crumple underneath its enormous weight. And sometimes, it's just not worth the energy to rebuild right now." - Jessica Schmidt
I wrote this quote while battling this stage; I feel like it accurately sums it up. This stage is the most overwhelming for me. It really hits, like a damn freight train barreling down onto my domino life, that my loved one is gone. During this stage, I really don't feel like rebuilding anything. I just feel like mourning. And that's OK. But, as I tell myself anytime I begin to feel overwhelmed with sadness, we can't live in it. We can feel it, embrace it, fight it, understand it, but not live in it. I know, in my case at least, the person I lost would not want that.
Stage 5 - Acceptance
"They say death is hardest on the living. It's tough to actually say goodbye. Sometimes its impossible. You never really stop feeling the loss. It's what makes things so bittersweet." — Meredith Grey, "Greys Anatomy"
I feel this really clarifies the acceptance stage. I can never necessarily be content with what happened; with the idea, he is gone. The loss has produced a hole in my heart and a guardian angel on my shoulder; I will feel that for the rest of my days. I'm not even sure if I have "accepted" it yet. But when I do, the fact that it will be eternally bittersweet is more than accurate.
* * *
Overall, if you're grieving a lost loved one — reach out. Don't go through it alone. It is confusing and scary and painful, at times. I hope these quotes helped to bring a little peace and clarity to you, as they did myself and my own struggle. These feelings are OK, as long as we don't live in them forever and ever and ever. If I have one goal in 2019, it is to eventually be completely happy again.
For my grandpa. <3
