At my high school, there was a weird and unspoken pressure to know what you wanted to do with your life or, at the very least, what you wanted to major in. So when I fell in love with my ninth grade film class, I convinced myself that was exactly what I wanted to do -- forever. For the next three years, my immediate response to any questions about college or my future was filmed. Until my junior year, when I realized I no longer had the same passion for filmmaking I’d thrived on a couple years earlier. It was an odd feeling and I largely kept it to myself until I had a new plan for my future that I solidly believed in: anthropology.
After a summer course on the anthropology of children, anthropology departments became the focus of my college search and I pored over anthropological jobs and internships online, convincing myself I wouldn’t be unemployed as a result of this new major.
When AP Environmental Science piqued my interest in environmental issues, I shifted to an interest in environmental studies, with an anthropology concentration. However, now that I’ve taken two environmental-studies oriented classes in college, I’m less convinced that ES is actually the path for me.
Where does this leave me? I don’t know. I’m in a state of fluctuation. Depending on the day, the question, “What do you want to major in?” gets any of five half-true responses from me, the most frequent one being, “I don’t know.”
High school me would have absolutely freaked out that I’ve changed my major interest four different times in two years only to arrive at a very uncertain conclusion. College me, however, no longer feels a pressure to know, at 18-years-old, exactly what I want to do with my life. This semester, I’ve taken an honest approach and told anyone who asks about my major that I no longer know what I want it to be. And everyone I’ve said that to has said that it’s fine, that it’s almost better than knowing.
I still have most of my life ahead of me. Do I know what I want to do with it? No. But I feel like I have plenty of time to decide. I see now that the anxiety I felt in high school over needing to know my major, while justified by the circumstances, was completely unnecessary, and I’m glad to be rid of it.
I’m happy not being sure of what I want to do, it's given me space to try new things. Last semester I took a gender studies class, this semester I’m taking a course on the history of the oceans. Being unsure has led me to explore new areas and given me the incentive to dedicate energy to things outside of classes, like writing and theater. I would take expanding my horizons over sticking to a plan I don’t like any day.