"This is your pilot speaking. Will you all kindly STFU?"

Which one are you? 

1. Nervous Nellie: Nervous Nellie hates flying and believes her prayers and positive thoughts are the only reason your plane hasn't dropped out of the sky yet. She constantly asks you, "What's that buzzing noise?" and "Does it feel unusually bumpy?"  

2. The Crying Baby: This baby must be lamenting for all the sorrows in the damn WORLD. How else could she cry for three hours straight? You want to give the parents dirty looks and/or the middle finger but you control yourself because, come on, it's just a baby. 

3. The Frequent Urinator: Thanks to some eff-up by American Airlines, the Frequent Urinator got the window seat. Which means every time he has to get up to use the bathroom, you need to get up too. Hope you weren't too comfortable. 

4. The Armrest Hog: He doesn't understand that three people/three armrests = one per person. He'll use two armrests and stick his hairy elbows so far out that they jut into your ribs. 

5. The Overly Friendly Old Person: Grandma Ethel is cute but she won't stop asking you questions ("What are you studying, honey? Do you have a boyfriend? When are ya'll getting married?"), hindering your ability to focus on The Lego Movie. 

6. "I'm Sorry, I'm Hungry": He teeters down the aisle with a bag of Five Guys, a slice of Sbarro or a box of Bojangles. As he sits down, he gives you an apologetic look like, "I know you want to vomit because the plane now smells like sh*t, but I'm sorry, I'm hungry." 

7. Snorlax: You're going to assume he's narcoleptic because he spends the flight hunched over, snoring and drooling down the front of his shirt. Ew.

8. The Emotional Reader: Why is the 16-year-old-girl next to you sobbing? The Fault in Our Stars should be banned from airspace. 

9. i'mSpecial: For some reason, this guy thinks his iPhone's exempt from 'airplane mode.' You see him continuing to send texts as the plane takes off and think, "Oh great, now if we crash it's because of this guy." 

10. Flatulent Fred: Dear God, Fred, just hold it in.