You’re considering entering into a Friends With Benefits situation, huh? It sounds like a great idea in the moment, but there are some required behaviors needed to truly pull it off. Let’s take a look at some of the items on that list.

1. You Must Be Incapable of Forming an Emotional Connection

Are you simply incapable of empathizing with other human beings? Congrats, that’s the first step in starting Friends With Benefits. And it also makes you the average American college student. However, before you can say for sure whether or not your emotional well is completely dry, you should try these quick exercises to test your depth:

a. In a text message, tell your mom you have cancer. When she calls, hang up and reply with another text message: “JK LOL.”

b. Watch Blackfish, and then visit SeaWorld while eating an orca fillet.

c. Watch that kind of porn where the girl cries and see if you can still climax.

If you pass two or more of these tests, you’re well on your way. However, there are still some vital articles to address.

2. Your Friends Must Think It Will Work

No matter your sexual persuasion, it is completely vital that your friends think the Friends With Benefits situation will work out. They are your support system. They’ll get you pumped enough to propose the unorthodox setup, and they’ll be there for you when someone inevitably catches feelings. Friends are the ultimate courage providers. Sometimes they’ll help you strike gold, but other times you leave the mine with black lung. Either way you should venture deep into that hole and see what comes out.

3. Their Friends Must Think It Won’t Work

The other person’s friends must absolutely be against the whole shebang and hopefully your existence as well. People are attracted to others whom their friends hate. It’s an unspoken rule. All you have to do is the next step:

4. You Must Be Really Good/Bad At Sex

No one really wants to enter into a Friends With Benefits unless they are getting excellent sex out of it or they take pity on you for being so bad at it. It’s your job to either practice and get great or never get laid and be awful at it. I’ll leave it to you to guess which one of those I am. Occasionally, opposites attract, but that’s usually only when one side has a lot of money/a potential career advancement for you.

5. You Must NOT Have Time To Support Another Person

Remember: you’re a busy individual. Maybe you’re in school, or you have a full-time job, or you’re a world-class lion tamer. No matter the case, you cannot be able to support the other person at all. Never. Let's practice. They'll be Q and you be A.

Q: Will you come to my birthday party and just say hi?

A: Nope.

Q: I just got fired, will you come eat ice cream and cry with me?

A: I rented the Internship a week ago and tonight is my last night to watch it.

Q: My father died and we need another pallbearer. Please?

A: My father also died and his will requested I load his urn into a cannon and shoot it into the Baltic Sea.

There should be no communication besides a booty call text and/or discussion about the newest Netflix miniseries.

Well, you’ve done it. You’ve checked off every action on the list. I’m sorry; did you expect me to have someone waiting for you at the end of the article? Well I don’t. Was the sex worth your mother disowning you? And don’t forget that your father’s remains lie in the ocean. Good luck finding someone to lean on, you soulless weirdo.