There’s no denying that Missoula is a great place to live, work, and die. But even with all of its great attributes, Missoula could always be a little bit better. Following a well-intended but poorly-received city council meeting where I presented my ideas, I’ve decided to turn to the Internet to make them happen. Please, vote yes on Prop 27 (roller disco)!

1. Roller Disco

Nothing says "first date" like strapping on a pair of clunky shoes with giant wheels. See, the young kids of Missoula are lacking great places to go hang out and get friend-zoned. Enter: roller disco. This fad from the 70s is the joint Missoula needs to get dancing fever back in its blood. Just imagine skating, the wind whipping through your hair, the $2.99 sno-cones wafting into your nostrils, the feeling of pulling a hamstring as you violently thud on the ground. Suddenly, there’s your Sex Ed teacher, and oh no, she’s on a date too! With your mom? It can’t be! What better way to alleviate internal stress than to roller skate to Saturday Night Fever with your lesbian mom?

2. Oxygen Bar

The first time I inhaled pure oxygen, my brain was unlocked. All the world’s possibilities were at my fingertips! Missoula could benefit from this feeling, no? Think of the friendships you’d make when the entire town is inhaling strawberries during the winter inversion. Oh, and the flavor combinations! I’d love to breathe in a full breakfast, complete with bacon, eggs, and orange juice flavored oxygen. What a world we could live in!

3. Federal Prison

Have you noticed that the roads around Missoula are kind of disheveled? It sure would be nice if we had free labor that our taxes were already paying for, huh? The U.S. should place a Federal Prison at the top of Mt. Jumbo, providing local labor and tourist dollars from the families of inmates coming to visit. Plus, the local kids would be curious and hike the mountain just to see the prison, helping our county’s children fight obesity. Not to mention the money we’d save on Scared Straight programs. Think about it, people. You know I’m right.

4. Gladiator Arena

Bar fights are so primitive. You go out, get a little liquored up, insult a Forester, and then get your teeth knocked out. Big deal. It would be way better to challenge the bearded weirdos to a public, armored brawl. If we replaced Caras Park with a gladiator arena, we’d have just as much entertainment, if not more. Nearly daily, it would be possible to see folks running around with spiked maces and pointy metal nipples on their armor! Get a bad grade on your test? You and your teacher in the gladiator arena, after school. Someone cut in front of you at the grocery store? Take it to the arena. Punk kid spit their binky out? In the arena.

5. A Series of Connected Slides

Really, this could be applied to any city in the world to make it better. But why not start it here? If every building in Missoula were connected by slide, we’d not only reduce our dependency on fossil fuels (something U of M is having a hard time with), but we’d also get to enjoy a town-wide slide-train every day on the way to work. Yes, it may be difficult to navigate the Reserve Street slide at 5 p.m., but dammit, you’d get to talk to people. That’s really just the whole point of these suggestions. We all need to talk to each other more. Then Missoula will be a better place.