So it finally happened. You gave in and bought the big house with four bathrooms, 17 bedrooms, and a 25,000 car garage. You know, the big house right in the middle of the University District. “What have I gotten myself into?” you ponder, as you drink the last of the orange juice from the carton. “I thought there was more orange juice left. Damn.” Uh oh. Here come the wife and kid. What are their names again? Melissa and Timbuktoot. Who named the girl Timbuktoot? You did, you drunk ass.

Here are some daily affirmations to help you make it from September to May without losing your street cred.

1. “It’s five o’ clock somewhere.”

And that somewhere is here. It’s only 8 a.m., but go ahead. You’ve earned that mimosa. The fraternity across the street started three hours ago. If you don’t start now, how are you going to catch up?

2. “I was young once too.”

Sure you were. We all were. Really, it’s only been, what, 10 years since you were in college? You look older than that. Nonetheless, things have hardly changed since you were in school. Instead of spending time outside, kids now just binge-watch Netflix and flick each others’ green beans.

3. “I am stronger, smarter, and better.”

The truth is one of those fraternity bros will be your boss someday. But you can always sneak into the bathroom at lunch and repeat these six words to yourself. “I am stronger, smarter, and better. I am fat, unloved, and unmotivated.” Did someone in the stall say that second sentence? Nope, it was you.

4. “The house price was worth it.”

$250,000 for four bathrooms, 17 bedrooms, and a 2.5 million car garage? Of course that’s worth it? Or is it? The sorority girls next door pay less AND get their yard mowed for them. Plus don’t forget the houseboy that makes them dinner and runs them bubble baths. “I’m no houseboy,” you grumble, quietly enough that your wife won’t hear you having an existential crisis.

5. “Timing is everything.”

Right now, you’re having trouble putting Timbuktoot down for a nap. But, if you program her internal clock to reflect a college senior’s, she’ll be up 18 hours a day during the week, and sleep 18 hours a day on the weekend. These extended naps give you and the wife plenty of time to forsake your loveless marriage.

6. “My life is better than a 20-year-old’s.”

They can’t even go out and drink! Then again, neither can you. Remember Timbuktoot? Yeah, she stays up 18 hours a day now, leaving you very little time to sleep. By Thursday, you’re so out of energy, vultures begin swarming. Birds are not a good look for you.

7. “My life IS better than a 20-year-old’s.”

Be honest, Timbuktoot is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. No 20-year old has the amount of responsibility to take care of a wife and child. Their biggest worries are finishing their calc homework and trying to find distilled water for their Sonic the Hedgehog-shaped bong. Your life isn’t so bad. Just rename your daughter already.

8. “I guess I’ll go party.”

When Timbuktoot finally goes to sleep, you’ve got six sweet hours to live it up. Why not go across the street and see what bitches’ brew the fraternity is cooking up? Take a couple shots and remember the good old days. You know, the days when you had no money, no job, no 2.5 trillion car garage, and no one to love you. Count your blessings, you live in the U District.