There’s a point in every young person’s life when they visit home and things just aren’t quite the same. Visiting a hometown can offer a variety of different feelings. My hometown currently houses about 6,000 people, and I graduated with 88 in my class. Here are a few revelations I had while I was home for the holidays.

1. Young fame fades.

It doesn’t matter if you were the first quarterback at your high school to score a 36 on the ACT. Young fame fades. Sure, your parents will remember every accomplishment, from passing swimming lessons to getting a teacher fired for sexual harassment. But that’s their job, not the communities. Stop riding your fame from when you burned down that laundromat and go achieve something your community can be proud of.

2. Some people never leave, but that’s not a bad thing.

It took several years after I left for me to realize this, but a community is an endless cycle. Some kids get out, but most stay in and keep the wheels turning. Just because maybe you made it to college doesn’t give you the license to locally throw your weight around. Be nice. That kid who now works at the local Ace Hardware? Maybe he’s your ticket to a good deal on white picket fences. The girl you took to prom junior year? She’s flipping burgers but makes damn sure she doesn’t spit in yours. Scratch a few backs and you’ll get yours scratched in return.

3. Butter attack!

I love all of my grandparents, but I’m 100 percent sure they’re the reason for my premature heart attack. Apparently the way to cook food back in the day was to drown it in butter. Butter can make dog shit taste delicious, but unfortunately, it also makes food pass through the digestive system at extreme speeds. At that point the nutrients are too slippery for the body to absorb, so all that gets taken in is butter! Love Handles would be a great name for an 80’s hair band, but trust me, they aren’t that easy to get rid of.

4. Internet speeds vary.

It’s not hyperbole to say that dial-up Internet is faster than my parents’ current wireless setup. That may seem like a first world complaint, but it’s also not hyperbole to say that there are third world countries with faster speeds than my hometown. When I visit, I have to load porn at 240p then wait through another 10 minutes of buffering before I get to feel bad about myself. I want to be self-conscious now, dammit!

5. Everyone vacations in cooler places.

Why is everyone always somewhere cooler than me? Sometimes I feel that my Facebook friends band together and discuss when to perfectly time posting their vacation photos to maximize my frustration. I guess they probably “worked for it,” or “won a contest,” but I work a lot and do not get to spend my winter breaks doing body shots with my feet deep in the sand. Somebody get me a bib, I’ve spilled my whine!

6. I love visiting.

Despite my apparent dislike of my hometown and everything in it, I have to be honest and say that I don’t hate it at all. I don’t hate visiting home because I love the people there. I may not love the Internet speeds or the butter shits, but I love my family and they are totally worth it. If that means I have to download porn to my desktop before I visit, then so be it.