This article is a companion piece to Chance Cooney’s piece from last week.

I’ve had many girlfriends. Wait—I typed that wrong. I haven’t had many girlfriends. But the ones that I have had (R.I.P.) taught me many things about life, love, and libido.

1. Girls smell good.

Most of the time women smell good. Many scientists have wasted thousands of dollars researching the reasons, but I have my own theory. See, deep in the sweat glands of the human woman lives a small group of elves. Their names are Smelly, Belly, Jelly, and Esther. Despite her unfortunate name, Esther smells of lilacs and jellybeans, while the other elves reek of dorm room and stale nachos. Smelly, Belly, and Jelly take it upon themselves to chain Esther to a wall and tickle under her nose until she sneezes sweet, sweet scent. This deleted scene from "Inside Out" is why women smell so good.

2. I don't know how to pleasure a woman.

Occasionally, you’ll hear a phrase that makes your blood run cold. Words like “zero percent fruit juice,” “low on black ink,” and “I’m proud of you son,” make me stop dead in my tracks. But there is a phrase so terrifying it will invert your penis: “That’s it?” Yes, dear friends, stay away from this if you can. It is not fun. “So why are you writing about it on the Internet, Jacob?” Because this is a humor column, not a Time cover story, that’s why.

3. Why the hell is it called a twin bed?

Let me ask you a question. What size bed will you be sleeping in tonight? If you answered anything larger than a twin, congratulations, you might actually have room to sleep next to someone. I spent my longest relationship confined to a twin mattress. Now, follow me on this one. If someone uses the word twin to describe something, you think the number two, correct? Now if someone suggests you put two people on a twin mattress, you laugh right in their face, correct? Me too. Here’s my petition at whitehouse.gov that you can sign to support changing the name of the twin mattress. Go ahead, it’s real.

4. Girls are not impressed by my vinyl collection.

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5. "We need to talk" is never a positive phrase.

It’s true. When this initiates a conversation, the subject is never tacos, ice cream, or the GOP debate. It always ends with a break up or a broken car mirror (twice). I’ve taken it upon myself to devise new and better phrases both sexes can use to initiate a break up:

• “That’s it?”
• “I like your sister/brother more.”
• “Transformers 2 is a great movie.”

Each of these is a clear way to let your significant other know that your relationship is headed for Sadness Mountain. Please stop using “we need to talk.” That should be reserved for doctors and birthday clowns.

6. Love is a cruel mistress.

Alas, one day she’ll hold you close, and the next day she’ll leave you. I suggest hanging on tight when she comes around, because it’s a hell of a ride. Oh, and don’t forget to print this article out and repeat it to yourself anytime you’re thinking of asking a woman on a date. I’m extensively experienced and know way too much about life, love, and libido.