I was recently asked to house sit for a family while they were on vacation, and I discovered some things not only about myself but about house sitting in general.

1. It’s Very Quiet

I was plucked from my two bedroom apartment in the heart of Missoula and whisked miles away up a valley into a small suburban neighborhood. Within the first 10 minutes, I noticed a disturbing lack of noise. What was that distant low humming? Oh, right. It was my ears, utterly un-stimulated by external sources. I put some music on, volume low. What was that noise? Was that someone upstairs? No, it was just the dog shuffling around. I began to crumble under the pressure of my own thoughts, so I ran a bath.

2. Pets Will See You In the Nude

I disrobed and was just about to step into the bathtub when the dog kindly rubbed its wet nose on my bottom. I’m sorry, did I say kindly? I meant that it scared the hell out of me. I turned around, very naked. The dog looked up into my eyes.

“Are you cool with this?” I asked.

She didn’t seem to mind.

She continued to stare, unblinkingly into my eyes. I decided to sit down in the tub. She approached the side of the tub and began licking my soap-covered knee. This was one of those moments you don’t go back from. That dog and I have shared something special. We’ve both seen each other naked.

3. Every Family Has Secrets (You Just Have to Find Them)

After my intrusive bath, I slipped on some sweatpants and decided to do some snooping around. The cat caught wind of what I was doing and decided to join me. We were a good team, the cat and I. I named us Jacob and the Pussy Patrol.

In the basement, I discovered a small closet under the stairs. I quietly opened it and peered inside. Much to my surprise/chagrin, a very emaciated man was chained to the wall.

“Is that…a person?” he wailed.

I thought for a second. “Meow,” I replied. The cat gave me a look like, “Not cool, man.”

I walked over to the man and unchained him from the wall.

“Hi, we’re Jacob and the Pussy Patrol,” I stated.

“It’s so good to finally get out of this torture chamber,” he started. Then he took a step, tripped over a rope, and was impaled upon a pike. Confused, I did the only thing that came to mind at that moment.

4. Bedrock is Difficult to Dig a Grave In

I frantically broke ground with an old snow shovel I found in the garage. About a foot down, I hit a thick slab of bedrock. I briefly debated burying the man under a foot of dirt but deemed it too little. I moved to another spot in the yard and hit bedrock again, this time only six inches under the ground. I tried a third time and hit bedrock, but two full feet under the dirt. This was good enough. I dropped the man in the grave, covered him, and then went inside to clean myself off.

As I washed my face, I realized that as soon as the family I was house sitting for returned, they’d see the man in the backyard and know that I discovered their secret. What to do? What to do?

5. Houses Are Surprisingly Fire-Resistant

I siphoned all of the gas out of the Subaru in the garage and doused the house in gasoline. I struggled for 20 minutes or so to find some matches. With one foot in the house and one out, I lit the match, threw it in, and closed the door behind me.

I waited.

And waited.

And waited some more.

But nothing seemed to happen. I opened the door and saw that the force of the wind from me closing the door had put the match out. I lit another and threw it in. This time the couch quickly went ablaze.

The dog approached the door, clearly looking for my help to get outside and escape the fire.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “But I can’t let you live. You’ve seen my penis.”