Late last year, my grandfather was nailing Christmas lights to the house, when he fell and punctured both lungs. Unfortunately, he did not live. Grieving was a very difficult process. I still grapple with it today. However, there is one caveat.
See, apparently my grandfather has unfinished business here on Earth, and therefore, has not been allowed into heaven or hell. We’ve yet to figure out what his unfinished business is, but there are some difficulties of having a ghost grandpa no one would ever think of.
1. Performing a séance just to say "Hi."
Ghosts in real life differ from ghosts in movies and cartoons in several ways. They don’t just hang around and join the gang on wacky adventures. Instead, they are kept in purgatory “ghost tanks.” They stay there until someone on Earth summons them. Then they have 24 hours to do as they please before they must return to their ghost tank.
We try to get grandpa out three or four times a month to let him stretch his legs, but honestly, I’m not sure it’s worth the expenses. Our incense bill alone has nearly tripled since before his death. Don’t get me wrong, my family loves grandpa, but sometimes I’ve got homework or Mom has to catch the finale of "Dancing With the Stars" and we just don’t have time to clean the ectoplasm off the floor.
2. So. Much. Ectoplasm.
Commonly mistaken as hand sanitizer when people enter our household, ectoplasm is an odorless, gel-like substance that secretes from every pore of a ghost. Grandpa tries his best to not get it on the carpet, but much like sweat from the human body, it’s difficult to not spread when it literally comes from EVERY HOLE IN THE BODY.
And that’s not all. Try explaining to your girlfriend what ectoplasm is. No matter what, she won’t believe the condom didn’t break. I wish grandpa would leave me alone when I’m in my room. But that leads me to my next point…
3. Only family members can see ghosts.
That’s right. Girlfriends won’t believe you when you tell her that your grandpa is a ghost because she can’t see him. She likely also does not believe in ghosts. They say that only one in every 10 million deaths worldwide produces a ghost. Because only family members can see ghosts, this has led to some very awkward circumstances such as:
- Having to explain to the amusement park staff why the seat next to you must stay open.
- A mall Santa wearing clothes, but lacking a face or body.
- Explaining to the teacher why your homework is covered in ectoplasm.
Not only that, but Grandpa has this terrible habit where he sneaks up on Grandma and tries to scare her to death. He just wants her over on the other side, but we keep reminding him that she’s his better half and she’ll definitely go to heaven. Sometimes all Grandpa wants to do is finish his unfinished business so he can ascend as well.
4. Even ghosts get sad.
Sometimes Grandpa and I will stay up late at night, talking about his life and my life. He tells me stories about when he was young, and always mentions how he and I are not so different.
But once in a while, he’ll get off on a tangent about his post-mortem courtroom trial that landed him in purgatory. See, God was unavailable as legal representation, so Grandpa was stuck with St. Peter, a law student who has yet to pass the bar. The Devil nearly got Grandpa’s soul until Peter presented evidence that Grandpa had unfinished business on Earth. The jury concurred, and Gramps was sent to a ghost tank.
According to him, ghost tanks are cramped, yet lonely. Tight, but entirely too spacious. He’ll cry ectoplasm until I fall asleep, and usually when I wake up, he’s gone. Back to purgatory. Though I love him and hope he someday discovers a way to get to heaven, I know I’ll miss him when he’s gone.