In 2013, Jami was your average young first-year college student. She was happy-go-lucky, with a lot of future ahead of her. She became a college cheerleader, majoring in business administration, and living life as a normal 18-year-old girl with good friends.

A Sweet Start

Her relationship with her abuser started on Christmas of that year. The relationship was perfect. He truly was the perfect guy for her. He found out everything about her, what she liked, didn't like, her beliefs, etc., and he eventually became that person that she would fall for so he could control and manipulate her. She said he was charming and did all the right things, making it harder for her to leave when the bad did happen. She had seen him as a different person than the real monster she was about to encounter for their five-month relationship.

Isolation and Humiliation

It wasn't until March that he hit her. The relationship was three months of bliss. He was very erratic. His behavior was all over the place. One second he would be happy and they would be joking, and the next second she would just see his eyes change and she would know she was in trouble. He was additionally very controlling. Always making her take pictures of what she was wearing to class to make sure she wasn't dressing up or wearing make-up, making her text him when she left or arrived at a place she was going, and she always, ALWAYS, had to be in contact with him whether she was busy or not. He constantly threatened to hit her in public, saying that he wouldn't treat her this way for no reason and that it was her fault that he was treating her the way he was. He threatened to kill her and himself more times than she could even count.

"It's not like on the first date he hits you, on the first date he's everything you've been waiting for… and it's not until you're completely in love with him when he starts hitting you."

No victim should ever have those thoughts. The victim should never feel at fault but that is typically what an abuser does to a victim. How did this beautiful, young woman get to the point of thinking it was okay for someone to hit her? And more importantly, how did this young, vibrant lady question her own fault in a situation that was not her fault. Most abusers have manipulative, sociopathic, narcissistic or psychopathic tendencies. They massively manipulate victims to silence, isolate and humiliate them. They find any means to hurt, exploit or demean their intimate partners. They tend to divert the reality of the situation by deflecting responsibility.

March Incident

One March night, things escalated. Jami was watching a movie with her abuser, her sister and her sister's friend. When Jami and him went back to her room, she left her phone, because even if she had her phone he would've gone through it. Her sister took her phone and looked through it. She saw the threatening messages about how he was going to "beat her and kill her" Or "you better text me now" saying "you don't know what's going to happen when I get home..."

Her sister then screenshot the incriminating messages and sent them to their parents, who called the town's police. Her parents drove up to the apartment as well as the police.

Jami in the other room… was unaware of the hell that was about to break loose. She got a knock on her door and it was the police. The police who separated Jami and her abuser tore her room apart and questioned her. At the time Jami said she wasn't ready to leave the relationship, everything was fine to her she told the police none of it was true. Her abuser even yelled to her in the other room "tell them I didn't do anything... tell them the truth." He didn't have any money. The police didn't arrest him. They just gave him a cab to go home. Her parents stayed at her apartment for a week. Her mom would take her to class… Her dad slept on a mattress by the front door. Guarding his precious daughter against the horrors of the outside world. When her parents finally went home, her grandma stayed from March to May (the end of school).

To this day Jami doesn't know why her sister prompted to look through her phone. Could she have heard them fighting before? Could she have witnessed a physical altercation? Her family doesn't talk about it at all. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess?

"He constantly threatened to beat me in public and/or kill me. He also threatened to kill my family. That clearly did not go over well when my parents found out."

Jami knew what was happening was wrong but from the beginning, she was so manipulated. She thought he was that person. He made her believe that her parents were in the way of the relationship. She couldn't believe her parents were keeping her from the person that she loves.

April was when she finally realized the control he had over her. He kept texting her while she was watching her former cheer teams nationals and said "you need to go home", "you've been there long enough." She realized at that moment that he had control over her, knew her routine, class schedule, everything. But he wasn't even there? How could he tell her she had been there long enough? He can't just tell her to leave.

Jami moved home in May. Her dad asked "when is this going to end? You're home now, and you're safe". She decided it was time to end the toxic relationship. Her dad called him for her and did it. She blocked him from everything. Blocked his number and all social media.

At first, her abuser kept downloading different texting apps to get ahold of her. She still has them blocked... 21 different phone numbers… it took him four days to quit trying to contact her. He even called her work, and she wasn't convinced that he didn't have a fake Facebook stalking her.

The Abuse

Before the March incident, several things led up to that night… one of them was the night after her abuser got kicked out his dad's house. They went to get his stuff… loaded her car down and started the drive back to school. During the drive, he became irritated that she wasn't saying the "right things" about the situation. He punched her while she was driving. When they finally got home and parked… he hit her multiple times… she jumped out of her, even leaving the keys in the ignition. She ran and hid behind a big truck. She heard him take the keys out and slowly walk over… She asked him if he was going to hit her again and he said, "no it's going to be fine."

Another night she doesn't even remember why they started fighting… and he put her hands around her neck... the one thing she told him early on in this relationship she hated. He then threatened her, "What, are you scared? You don't think I could choke you out right now? I could kill you right now if I wanted to." With his hands around her neck… after he finally released his hands and calmed down he tried to have sex with her after. She pushed him off of her… he then went to the corner… and cried.

He had, what she thought, was a real gun in his glove compartment, turns out it was just an airsoft gun. One day she picked him up late for lunch… he kept trying to open the glove compartment where the gun was. There were several times she thought "he could kill me if he wanted to."

There were several nights after he hit her that they just went to sleep. And woke up, as if nothing ever happened.

The First Time

She said he had this look, "his eyes would be wide, and if I saw that, I knew I would be in trouble…"

The first time he hit her she was talking back to him and he slapped her. She didn't know what had just happened and she immediately started crying. He became clearly apologetic… "I don't know what came over me, I'm really sorry." Jami said, "Toward the end of the relationship he didn't care about apologizing because he knew that I wouldn't leave him."

These situations are only a few of the countless times Jami was mentally, physically and verbally abused by the man who was supposed to be the love of her life.

"Obviously hitting me would make me scared, but just the constant texting me when we weren't together telling me that when we got home he would beat me was such a scary thought because you would think I wouldn't want to go home, but I always felt like if I could get there in front of him then I could make things better and make the fighting stop."

Healing and Next Steps

"I had nightmares for months. I still, to this day nearly 5 years later, suffer from severe anxiety. I met my now husband just days after ending the relationship with my abuser. I was lucky to have someone like him by my side through every trial that came my way."

Yes, it's been years… but Jami is still trying to heal both emotionally and physically and get back to being that happy-go-lucky girl she was. She was 18-years-old. Innocent. That situation made her grow up and changed her life forever.

"I thought I was over this. I mean do you ever get over it?"

She had nightmares for a long time… looked around everywhere she was, constantly worried about running into him.

Advice to other Victims

"My advice to other victims would be to be aware of red flags and don't be afraid to walk away from something that does not feel right in your heart. It is never okay for your partner to delete innocent people from your phone because it makes them uncomfortable, to control where you go, who you are with, what you wear, or who you talk to. It is never okay for your partner to call you derogatory names, or tell you that no one will ever love you, or that you are worthless because someone will and you are not. It is NEVER okay for your partner to lay hands on you... even if it was only one time. It is not your fault, and you cannot change them. You have to do what is best for you, you cannot save anyone."

Jami embodies strength. She is a fighter. She has been knocked down time and time again and still, she rises. She was the one that got away… and so can you.