There are people in this world that can go through their days unaffected by the things around them. They don’t notice the small stain on the kitchen counter or that they went to bed without shutting their closet door. They couldn’t care less that their backpack isn’t next to their desk and they definitely don’t care that their toothbrush is sitting on the bathroom counter instead of in the toothbrush holder.

There are also people in this world that can’t go through their days and not notice these things, but they don’t just notice them – they are controlled by them. For them, there are not multiple ways to do things. There is only one. They have impulses they can’t control, no matter how much they wish they could. They do things most people see as tedious and a waste of time, while they only see them as necessary.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder affects approximately 3.3 million Americans, and I am one of them.

When I’m doing laundry, I have to take each individual article of clothing out of the washing machine and shake it out before I throw it into the dryer.

If I make popcorn, I have to stop the microwave at 30 seconds and shake the bag 30 times before I open it and pour it into a bowl. If I don’t stop the clock at 30 seconds or if I accidentally shake the bag too many times, I have to throw it away and start all over again.

Everything in my closet is placed in a very specific spot, and if I know that something is out of place, or if a hanger is hanging without an article of clothing on it, I get anxiety. I don’t mean, “Oh man that’s annoying, I’ll fix it when I get home.” I mean, “OH MY GOSH HOW DID I LET THAT HAPPEN I HAVE TO LEAVE CLASS RIGHT NOW AND GO FIX IT BEFORE I FREAK OUT OH WAIT I’M ALREADY FREAKING OUT.”

I have to count how many times the blinker blinks when I’m driving.

I have to wear a ponytail holder around my wrist at all times, even though I hardly ever put my hair up. It’s like a security blanket.

These are only a handful of my compulsions, but it’s enough to hinder my everyday life. In reality, there are no serious physical ramifications if I don’t do these things. However, the same cannot be said for my mental state.

OCD is a different beast for everyone that has to endure it. It comes in many different forms, but there is one feature of OCD that is universal – it will gnaw at your brain until it breaks you down. There is no compromise.

Everyone claims they’re OCD at some point in their lives, and most people do have some kind of OCD tendency, but realistically, it’s not the same. People with an OCD tendency just want to be in control. People that truly live with OCD don’t have a choice in the matter. There is no control. OCD tells you what to do and you have to listen.

Some days I just feel helpless. Some days I can’t get my homework done or even leave the house because my OCD has taken over my day. It gives me a list of things to do, and I can’t do anything else until the list is taken care of. It controls every fiber of my being and I despise it more than anything.

There are some days, however, when I’m stronger than my OCD. Some days, I win. They are few and far between, but when they happen, my mind throws a party. I don’t panic when I forget my ponytail holder on the bedside table. It’s okay when I leave my backpack next to the dresser instead of the desk. I can accept the fact that the volume on the TV ends in a number other than zero or five.

I’m not always stronger than my OCD, but I’ve come to terms with it, and I’ve learned how to live with it. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world, but all I can do is accept it and, although most days all I want is for it to go away, I know that it’s a part of who I am and it’s here to stay.