Let me start by saying that as President of the United States I can not only promise you I'll act like an idiot, I guarantee it.

You think I've been telling the truth all these months? Pshh. Ten debates...more like 10 practice acceptance speeches. Have you seen the polls? I'm killing the polls. Those other guys, they're losers. Losers!

Let me take this opportunity to talk about other people some more because if there's anything I'm good at it's talking about other people. I always tell people, I tell them this, I say it's not about what I can do, it's about what everybody else can't.

These guys are going to lead this already failing country straight into the ground. I mean what choice do they have? I'll probably do the same thing but they are gonna do it worse and everyone's gonna hate em - I hate em. Great guys though, I love everyone up here. Intelligent men, definitely - but I hate em.

Oh and don't think for a second that a Democrat could ever do any better than any of these morons. They are pretty stupid but jeez have you seen who we're going up against? Wow.

Speaking of the Democrats, they're great people. But I've got even better people. My people are the best people. Those Democrats? Awful people. I wouldn't trust them as far as I could send them on my private cruise ship which is pretty far because it's a big boat.

Now, onto the issues...

Taxes? Screw em! But we do need them, so I'll be increasing them while also decreasing them because this country needs money! Now, I won't brag, but I am worth quite a bit of money. Ten billion dollars to be exact, but don't think for a second I'll ever share any of it. We need jobs! So hopefully if we mess with the taxes enough while simultaneously not cutting anything from our budget, jobs will just show up. Jobs!

As for foreign policy, I think the absolute best thing to do is to get rid of all the people that don't look, talk, and act exactly like me. I've heard that method works quite well. Then, once they're all gone, we will build a force-field around the entire country so that aliens can't get in. Of course, we won't be able to get, out but if I'm elected there won't be many people left so we shouldn't have too many issues with that.

Oh, what's that? Is the moderator asking me a question? Excuse me while I make you think I'm going to answer it, but then not so casually go off on a tangent about something completely unrelated.

In closing, this guy to my left, he's a moron--this guy to my right, great guy, I love him to death, but he's a moron too. Me? I'm the biggest moron of all, but what I can promise you is that I have a plan, a plan to make this country great again. Unfortunately, I can't share it with you until you've already voted as a country to let me ruin your lives. But, I promise, there will be jobs, war, disparity, and it's all gonna be a blast. Vote for anybody except a Democrat! Goodnight and God Bless myself.