The Neon Cactus

When I first heard about the Cactus after I turned 21, it was basically described to me as “pretty much like Disney World.” You run around the outside and each fraternity has their own designated area that you can find them, then keep moving ‘til you run out of people to see. From here you can either embarrass yourself on the dance floor or wait approximately 37 minutes in line for the bathroom. If you love the Cactus, chances are that you have a soft spot for Mexican food (read: pregame at El Rodeo or Poblanos) and know enough people that you don’t have to be the one that gets in line an hour and a half before the doors open. 

You don't even get the customary "are you Cactusing tonight?" text anymore because you're either the one that sends it, or your friends know they don't even need to ask. Ladies, chances are you kinda missed getting dressed up as a freshman and your inner spirit animal resembles the Pussycat Dolls in “Buttons.”

If you come for piano bar you’re ready to sacrifice the better portion of your night to stand in line then engage in a full on sprint to get your drinks/seats. Then you have to b*tch out everyone that insists on standing in front of you. You’re all just trying to have a good time, some people just vow to make it harder for others. Usually you’re surrounded by those people you kinda but don’t really know- generally you avoid eye contact or risk calling them the wrong name. You probably have a good sense of humor and know what puns Bruce is going to make before he even decides what puns he's going to make. The Cactus is, indeed, open on days other than Thursday, which you like to pretend that you didn't already know. If you close the Cactus, you’re probably not afraid to get a little crazy.

Harry’s

Oh Harry’s. There’s a couple scenarios here. First is that you’re into older men. Cat’s out of the bag. Harry’s has a long line of tradition and is known as the alumni bar, so if, as a college student, Harry’s is your favorite, there’s a chance you might have a fetish for older men. Getting free drinks by hitting on alums is one thing, but there also is a ton of wedding parties that stop here, so maybe you can actually find yourself a nice sugar daddy. You can bond over Baltimore Zoos and shouting some 80's classics. 

On the other hand, you could be looking for some casual food or an after school club drink. Sometimes you’re just so drunk the only thing you can think about is eating 3 bags of Harry’s popcorn. If you haven’t woken up at least once wondering why your Cactus cup is full of Harry’s popcorn, then you haven’t done college right. If Harry’s is your favorite bar, it’s a sign that you have outgrown college and are ready to move onto that terrifying thing that is graduation. (Or are looking for a graduate to buy you nice things… either is applicable.)   

Where Else

Contrary to popular belief, Where Else does open before 11, but you already knew that. If Where Else is your favorite bar, you don’t mind getting white girl wasted on $1 Electric Shots. People may say you haven’t outgrown the frats, but you just say you’re looking for a good time. People may also say you go here if you’re too lazy/cheap to go to the Cactus, and they would be 100% accurate. The floors are sticky, lights dark, and the music is loud- but that’s what you live for. Waiting in the freezing line for a half hour is like a rite of passage that involves a cozy liquor jacket. If you are single you’re probably on the prowl for that one person you have been waiting to hook up with forever, and you’ve probably had more than one awkward encounter with the bouncers. You know that not only is there such thing as starting and ending at Where Else, it’s also the best thing ever. 

You can always count on the same few friends buying bottle service in the front windows, (and then adventurous international students buying up the back tables) and you stand on the benches whenever possible. Chances are you’re still competitive about how much your house drinks and view guest bartending as a follow up to the keg race. At times you like to walk up the stairs by the DJ booth and overlook your promise land, like Mufasa and Simba. “But what’s that shadowy place over there?” (No, not the old Where Else) “That’s Taco Bell. You must never go there.” Of course you, much like Simba, go there anyway.

Brother’s

If your favorite bar is Brother’s, it means you can’t decide where in the Harry’s-Where Else Spectrum you fall, so you take the middle of the two, aka Brother’s. The thought of being a 1-9 on the sober scale at Where Else (or going to Where Else at all) makes you cringe, but you also aren’t ready to admit to yourself that you’re ready for alumni status. You like to live on the wild side, and by that I mean you like to gamble falling down the stairs on a nightly basis. Chances are you are immune to how annoying girls on their 21st are, or you just don’t care anymore. Wings and sports are your thing and you can’t complain about the cheap drinks (even if they get your friends kicked out).

Getting a table on the third floor is a mix of pride and what do I do now. Odds are you gather on the second floor and wait for someone you know to throw down on a ton of shots. Because, much like the Where Else crowd, you’re a little cheap, but you can’t admit to yourself that to yourself, much like how you tell yourself you’re not too old for shots like the Harry's crowd. You don’t understand how anyone else would voluntarily go to any other bar but Brother’s, no matter how hard they beg. You love Brother's.