Dear Mom,

Thank you so much for letting me come to one of the finest undergraduate institutions in the country: Pennsylvania State University, where the Natty flows endlessly and the women wear dresses and 10-inch heels in the middle of winter.

And I thank you even more for letting me pledge a fraternity. Now, since it’s time to figure out my housing situation for next year, I would like you  to consider letting me live in the fraternity house. 

I know what you’re thinking: frats are dirty and gross; they reek of old beer; and they stop me from getting my schoolwork done. Honestly, most of the time there will be an acceptable level of uncleanliness. What would you expect from 45+ guys living in a house together? Beyond this, though, there are many incentives for your darling son if given the opportunity to bunk up at home base. 

Let’s take a general look at housing. Some of the more common options for students are living on campus, renting an apartment on East College (Hetzel Plaza, Bryce Jordan Towers, and of course The Meridian), or finding some beaten-up house either back on west Fairmount or west college. 

Well, don’t expect me to agree to on-campus housing. I’m not dealing with hiding my alcohol from the RA’s for another two semesters. Having an apartment or a small house with some guys might be kind of cool, except that I’ll have to walk an extra half mile to get to class. Plus, you know I don’t cook very well and will end up ordering takeout all the time. 

Living in the fraternity house is about the same price as an on-campus housing contract, includes food and is relatively close to everything. Don’t we want the best bang for our buck? It’s almost a no-brainer.    

Speaking of the food, we have our own personal chef who prepares us lunch and dinner from scratch Monday through Friday, and keeps our cupboards well-stocked with all sorts of snacks. Each week he consults our kitchen manager to create a menu to our liking, so the food is always delicious. I can finally kick the Dunkin' Donuts addiction too, since we have our own coffee/espresso machine. 

I know you care very much about my well-being, and believe it or not, I might just become a little healthier living in the house with the wide variety of wholesome meals provided, as opposed to eating McDonald's on a regular basis.         

When it comes to picking who I live with, what could be better than living with all of my best friends? We all get along well - many of these guys happen to be in the same pledge class as me. They’ll be there for me when I’m looking for someone to hit the gym with, or when I need a few wingmen to entertain a couple of girls hanging out in my room. 

And when a guy gets stuck in the bathroom connected to my room and has to punch through the wall to get out, I promise he’ll cover the cost of repairs, because that’s what brothers are for. 

Come on Mom, I’m in college now. Can you blame me for wanting to live a mansion where beautiful girls roam around on a nightly basis? And you know I wouldn’t do anything to embarrass our family, except maybe when I get a little too “turnt,”, which can happen to the best of us.       

Based on my experiences so far, I’ve come to the conclusion that the fraternity house is the safest place for me to live. Let’s be realistic here: I’m going to be chilling at the frats during the majority of my weekends at school. After bouncing around from house to house, my walk home will be much shorter than a trip to The Meridian. With all the other in-house guys heading home too, know that I’ll be walking in safe, assured company. 

And we both know that after my first two underages, I need to do my best to stay out of trouble. When we have socials and parties and I get a little too intoxicated, I can conveniently just walk upstairs and pass out in my room, never even having to leave the residence. I’m not trying to be too pushy here; it just seems like the most logical option.    

Mom, I hope you’re not upset that I already signed the contract to live in the house for next year. On the contrary, you should be proud of me for taking some personal responsibility. I’m growing up so fast here. 

The down payment is due next week, and you should expect to get a letter soon, explaining in detail why the damage deposit is so expensive. I wouldn’t count on us getting that back. Thanks for being so understanding and trusting me to make the best decision.                                                                          

Love you always,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           Your favorite son, Brad