Being in the Color Guard has had many perks. I never had to camp out for tickets, I was able to travel, and I made friends that I’ll keep forever. A perk that my 14-year-old sister assumed I would get is a date with a football player. Before classes started spring term, she gave me dating advice on how I should chat with a player as he was coming off the field from halftime and I was coming on the field for a performance. She didn’t really care who it was; she just wanted me to bring home a football player to Christmas dinner.

When I showed up to Christmas still single, she decided to give me dating advice -- again. This time, I recorded the conversation.

Sister: Why don’t you have a boyfriend yet?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t mind being single.

Sister: I do. Did you ever go on a date with a football player like I told you to?

Me: No.

Me: Well I am going to give you more advice, okay?

Me: Sure.

Sister: Okay, so this is how the conversation is going to go, pay attention.

Me: Hi.

FB Player: Hi.

Me: Are you single?

Me: Wait a second. You want me to just walk up to him and say “are you single”?

Sister: Yes, you have to be straightforward about these things. That is why you’re still single.

Me: Are you single?

FB Player: Yes.

Me: How old are you?

FB Player: 22.

Me: Are you gay?

Me: I am not going to ask him that.

Sister: Yes you are. That is critical information.

Me: Are you gay?

FB Player: No.

Me: *touches pec*

Me: What?

Sister: Actually no, don’t do that. I am trying to get you a boyfriend, not a restraining order. Don’t touch his pec even though they are there. Just say “ooh lala”.

Me: Ooh lala. Do you think I am cute?

FB Player: Yes.

Me: Want to go to Starbucks?

FB Player: Yes.

*Goes to Starbucks*

Sister: What are you going to order at Starbucks?

Me: A tea.

Sister: In the middle of winter? No really, what are you going to order at Starbucks?

Me: A tea…

Sister: He is going to think you’re weird. He is probably going to order a hot chocolate.

Me: What did you get?

FB Player: A hot chocolate.

Me: But you're already hot.

Me: I am not saying that.

Sister: Why? It is a compliment. You’re just saying he is hot.

Me: But you're already hot.

FB Player: *Single tear falls into his hot chocolate*

Me: What is wrong, my hottie?

FB Player: That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

*Falls in love*

So, if you're hoping to get a date with a football player this is all you have to do. I, however, will not be attempting said advice (sorry, sister). If anyone is willing to try, though, let me know how it goes!