Throughout my life I have gone through many different phases of “what I want to be when I grow up.” From a dancer to a detective to an author to a singer, one goal has always remained the same and that is to be a mom and have a family of my own someday. When people ask me what I want to do when I get out of school, I can honestly say that I do not know. My life could potentially go in a million different directions, but I know for a fact that at the end of it all I want to settle down. I want to have a husband and children and a steady job and know without a doubt what the rest of my life is going to look like. This is difficult, however, because I also understand that the future is unpredictable.

Just recently I had the realization that I have a fear of the unknown. Yes, that is extremely broad, but hear me out. I am someone who likes to plan things out. I always want to know the who, what, when, where, why, and how. Sure, I love to go out on spontaneous excursions and do random things, but for the most part I like knowing what is going to happen. I like to call it “organized spontaneity.” The performance career that I am pursuing is quite the opposite though. My future as a performer will be unstable, constantly changing, and completely unpredictable. This does not mean that I am doubting my career choice. I love performing more than almost anything in the world and I can not imagine doing something else with my life. However, if I had to choose between being a performer and starting a family I would choose family in a heartbeat.

Lately though, I have begun to wonder why having a family has been so significant to me for as long as I can remember, and these are some of the reasons I came up with:

1. Having a family means knowing what I will come home to at the end of every day

Yes, that sounds incredibly insignificant but to me it means security and stability. I want to go to work each day knowing that at the end I will be able to come home and see my family. I want to fall asleep every night and know that when I wake up, I will still be with my family.

2. Having a family means knowing what the rest of my life looks like

I want to know who I will spend the rest of my life with. I want to never have to ask myself "what if" again. Now do not get me wrong, I am in no rush to get married and start popping out babies. I still have a lot of life to live before I seriously start thinking about settling down. I just think that it would be such a wonderful feeling to know who I will grow old with.

3. Having a family means knowing that I made a lasting impact on others lives

If I have a family of my own, it is impossible to die without leaving a lasting imprint. I want to have children who will remember me fondly when I am gone and then grow their own families. I want to teach my kids all of the things my mom and dad taught me. I want to raise them the same way I was raised because I feel like I didn’t turn out too bad. I want to see them grow into mature adults and realize why mom was right all along (another realization I recently came to).

4. Having a family means knowing just a little better what forever is

You can not get rid of family, though you may try. They may annoy you and drive you crazy, but they are your family so you love them anyway. When times get rough I want to have that person to lean on. That support system that will never abandon me. I plan to get married once and one time only, and when I do I will be 100% positive that is the person I will grow old with. Family is one thing I will never give up on, no matter how hard it gets.

The unknown terrifies me. There is no guarantee what tomorrow brings, so how can I plan for the next week or the next year or the next decade? I know that I have to put my faith in God and trust that it is okay to not know what the future holds. Maybe the reason why family is so important to me is because everything in this world is temporary. Wealth, fame, and power are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. The only thing I can really rely on in this life is my faith in God. I believe that when I pass someday I will leave all of my worldly things behind, but family is one thing that I know will be in Heaven with me. In a world consumed by fleeting moments and temporary thoughts, family is the closest thing I have to eternity.