Dear Mr. Claus,

We regret to inform you that you have been expelled from all of Target Corporation’s locations for the reasons indicated in this notice. Your actions, during last month's Black Friday, were deplorable and unacceptable. Should you fail to follow this warning and return to a Target location law enforcement will be contacted and Target will seek civil and criminal remedies for trespassing.

The reasons for this expulsion will be detailed in the account that follows:

You arrived in front of the store at around 5:45 p.m. prior to the scheduled store opening at 6:00 p.m. and barreled through the locked entrance with 8 reindeer and an oversized sleigh. You then proceeded to unhook your reindeer and allowed them to roam the store.

The amount of cleanup required was unbelievable and an utter nuisance to have to deal with in the middle of peak hours. We thought that this was the end of your outrageous publicity stunt, especially when you started to help us clean up some of the aisles, but you pulled out a handful of stockings and started hurling these stockings filled with excrement to patrons as they entered our store.

Not only did we witness these physical acts of assault, but you began pulling mothers and their children aside as they entered the store, asked the children what they wanted for Christmas, and then screamed, “No!” before they could respond. As if this wasn’t enough, you harassed the elderly patrons that entered our store by riding on top of one of your animals screaming, “Grandma got run over by a reindeer.”

We found out that you planted your “elves” in every aisle and instructed them to throw candy canes at patrons as they hurriedly shopped. One man was hospitalized with minor injuries because one of your “elves” decided to throw the entire bowl of candy canes at his head.

Additionally, security footage captured you prying a 30-inch plasma screen television out of the hands of a woman in front of her two children and, from what we could make out on the audio tracks, you screamed, “This is Santa’s house. Have fun eating coal for breakfast you ****ing brats.”

After taking stock of approximate damages, we’ve concluded that you opened and consumed an estimated 250 packages of various brands of cookies and assorted desserts in the middle of the aisle. One patron recalled you demanding “a side of Jack Daniels and a belly massage.” Angered by the fact that no one was responding to your pathetic pleas, you removed your pants, filled the legs with copious amounts of chocolate and vanilla frosting, and proceeding to “frost” the aisles with phallic symbols.

You were visibly intoxicated when attempting to purchase your items at the register and, when law enforcement attempted to escort you out the door, you physically resisted their efforts. Not quite finished, you broke free from the officers attempting to restrain you, sprinted shirtless back into the store, climbed on top of a cash register conveyor belt, and shouted, “All I want for Christmas is to do the truffle shuffle.”

Target requests that you sign where indicated below. Your failure to sign this document (which we fully anticipate) will not affect this expulsion, effective immediately.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Claus, and have a wonderful life as far away from Target as possible.

Sincerely,

Me (The person that cleaned up your mess at Target)