The girl who always wears a smile, the one whose laugh is contagious and can always be found helping others, the one with a big heart, and an ever bigger passion for The Lord Jesus Christ: The girl I used to be...before the depression began consuming my body, brain, and my life.

I write this article with tears running down my face. This one is not an easy one for me to write. Not because of what happened or how weak it made me, but because of how strong I have become and the willpower I now have to persevere in life and share my story with the world.

It started my sophomore year of high school, about 4 years ago. I started distancing myself from my church, from my friends, even from my family. I went from loving all three of those things to wanting to be alone at all times of the day. At the time, I didn't really notice. I just thought I was going through a change in my life—like most teens at that age do. Most people didn't even pick up on what I thought were noticeable changes, and I was glad. I was hoping that it would stay that way, that I wouldn't lose friends over these changes and that no one would start asking me questions. However, with the depression came mood swings and suicidal thoughts. I was miserable and I didn't know why. I was mean to my family, rude to my friends, and I isolated myself whenever I had the chance. I hated going to school. My grades were beginning to slip, I was losing friends and losing interest in the activities I had once enjoyed. I just wanted to give up.

Finally, I opened up to my best friend, who also happens to be my mother. I wanted the suicidal thoughts to go away, I wanted my friends back, and I wanted my family to know that I loved them, even if I was having trouble showing it. I could tell that she was upset with what I had just told her. Perplexed and emotional, I knew I should have just kept it to myself. I didn't mean to hurt her, or make her feel like she had failed as a mother, but after seeing the look on her face, I knew that was just what I had done and knew what I needed to do next.

As she struggled to find the right words to say, I got up and sat in her lap. I wanted to reassure her that she had not failed and told her that our talk helped and I was feeling better. I lied. The talk made things worse. I was mad at myself for telling her. I should have known she wouldn't understand and that it would upset her. I wished I could have taken it all back. Why did I do that to her? Why did I put that burden on her?

As the months dragged on, I found her asking me on an every day basis how I was doing, if I had any suicidal thoughts that day and she asked me to think about and name all the good things that had happened that day- probably to get me to think about how great life was and that there wasn't anything to be depressed about, too bad it doesn't work that way. I was frustrated with the way she was treating me and overwhelmed with the amount of questions she was asking. I was alive, wasn't I?

After 6 months of lying to her, she finally believed me when I said that I was okay, and I started to believe it too, but sadly that was not the case.

I started thinking of ways I could kill myself in a way that made it look like an accident. I wanted to die, but I didn't want to cause my family anymore pain than I already had. I had no idea why I was so depressed and sad all the time. I had a great life, two loving parents, a supportive sister, and some pretty awesome best friends, yet somehow I was still sad. Everything seemed to always go wrong and every time I would get relatively excited about something, it wouldn't work out so I just began to give up on everyone and everything.

Senior year was my breaking point. I fought with my family daily and didn't care about anything. I had few friends and many unexcused absences. When I did go to school, I did just enough work to pass. I knew staying in that hell hole would only get worse and that I needed to get out asap. I hated high school and I hated myself.

Due to the constant fighting around the house, I was forced to confront my family with the truth. I was depressed and had been for 3 years. My mom didn't understand why I was so depressed and thought I needed to get over it, while my sister was upset that my parents were paying more attention to me than they were to her accomplishments and successes. Again, I was upset I did this to my family but this time I was even more upset that they didn't understand. I was angry. I ended up moving in with my dad. I figured I could use the space away from my mom and sister and could use this time to figure out how to control my thoughts and the depression. My dad put me into therapy, but I hated it. I felt like my therapist wanted to help, but it seemed like an impossible thing for her to do when she was the one doing all the talking. I was insecure all the time, self-conscious, miserable. I wanted to end it all, and this time I even made attempts to. Thankfully they all failed.

Then one night as tears were streaming down my face, I told my dad about one of my attempts. I could see the pain in his eyes, and I knew I needed to get help. I didn't want to live like this anymore. I went back to therapy and started participating in the exercises she had asked me to do. While it didn't happen overnight and it took a lot of work to get here, over the course of a year, the depression slowly drifted away. I had defeated it. I was actually happy again.

When I look back on those days, I can't help but rejoice and thank God. Not only is it hard because of the pain that I was feeling for so long, but it's hard because I let that pain effect so many of my relationships. I'm so blessed for the people who stood by me until the end, and the support I had along the way.

To this day I still have little to no idea why I was so depressed, why I physically hurt myself, or why I thought about suicide so much. But I do know that because of the depression, I am a stronger person.

I now understand people who are currently going through or have gone through this horrible thing. It's hard to feel alone and confused. Depression is a very hard thing to overcome and unfortunately some people have yet to figure out a way to do that. But I'm here to tell you it's okay to not be okay, to keep going when times get hard, and to open up to someone about what you are going through. Depression is no joke and while it may be hard to express it, it's even harder to go through it alone. It's okay to seek help. What most people don't know is that depression is, unfortunately, a common thing and it's also not something you can just "get over." While those people may mean well, they won't understand it until they too go through it.

For those of you who are currently struggling with depression, or any other mental illness, my heart aches for you. I know all too well the way you are feeling and I'm here to tell you, you don't have to feel like that anymore.

The pain you are feeling may feel like it won't ever end, but I promise it will and things will get better. You are not alone in this battle. There is always someone who will listen, and always someone who will love you. Life gets hard and can be extremely overwhelming at times, and sometimes we all just need a little help but that's perfectly okay. You can beat this and you will!

Big or small, I can only hope that the words I have written today will make a difference in someone's life; that they will bring someone else who is struggling with depression or any other mental illness peace with themselves and hope for a happier tomorrow because no one deserves to feel worthless and alone in this world.

It will get better.