Bar Room Heroes

Matt Copeland
Tau Kappa Epsilon

                When we were growing up, 53 percent of TV shows were not about teenage pregnancy, and Tommy Pickles ruled our lives. The story of Aladdin was all we ever needed to know about life and love, and things were far simpler. Then one day we find out that the clouds and the pillars in the movie are giant images of genitalia.  As a kid, of course we don’t see things that way and even as adults we would like to pretend that Patti Mayonnaise was just a sweet little girl in a polka dot dress. The point I’m dancing around is the people behind these perversions of our childhood are kind of awesome and I would like to meet them at the bar, and they’re not the only ones!

                 #1. The first group I would like to have a drink with is a collection of the fiends behind all of the sexual innuendos embedded in our childhood memories. Like I mentioned earlier, these people blasted us with some very dirty things, but as kids we would never pick up on them. These guys are amazing. The stones it takes to violate that many minds on a subconscious level puts them on par with Leo in Inception which is why I would very much like to pick their brains over a Sam Collins as long as I don’t get stuck in their filthy limbo.

                #2.  The next person I would like to have a drink, and split a Sbarro with, is Kim Jong Il. This pre-op tranny is quite possibly the craziest person on Earth, and I’m willing to bet that he can’t hold his appletinis. What we would talk about? I have no idea, but I’m going to go ahead and assume that this lunatic is more fun to watch spiral into drunkenness than a girl on her 21st birthday. They can cry if they want to.

                #3. Mel freaking Gibson. This patriot/ Scottish warrior/ loose cannon cop has succumbed to senility at an early age. Mel is one, less than mild-mannered phone call, away from actually living the plot of Shutter Island (is he crazy or are people just trying to convince him that he’s crazy, but he might be crazy still…). Now the main reason I would like to share some Jack with Mel isn’t to talk about his movie career or his life or anything, it would be to share more Jack with him. Then a few more. Then follow him on his way home with a video camera and let the magic happen. I can only hope that we encounter a one armed, Hispanic, Buddhist cop on the way home. “Hey peanut butter butt, I swear to drunk I’m not God.”

                #4. Justin Bieber. He’s underage, and I would call the cops on him. I hate him like the Ebola virus on Snooki’s 3rd chin.

                #5. I’ve saved the best for last. The most amazing person in the world to have a drink with is Randy Marsh. If you don’t know Randy, then allow me to list a few of his exploits. He is a world-renowned geologist, an expert in spooky ghosts, a survivor of alcoholism and cancer and a former boy band sensation. Randy gets into a new shenanigan almost every week. He parties everyday like Obama just got elected, and I doubt that I could hold a candle to his drinking capacity. Randy personifies that crazy uncle that your parents don’t want you spending too much time with, but we both know you sneak as much time with this bad influence as you can.

                These are the people that I aspire to hang out with sometime in my life. They may not be that interesting when you’re sitting around “studying” for theater 100, but get a few brews in these people, and you better hide yo wife and ye kids.

Matt Copeland is a junior studying microbiology. He can be reached at Copeland.208@buckeyemail.osu.edu