"That" Girl - A Case Study

Ian Friedman
Sigma Phi Epsilon

The female sex is a beautiful specimen to behold. There is not a curve nor intuitive insight unique to a particular woman that isn’t magnificent in its own respect, and women who utilize these qualities with an air of grace and charm do the gender much justice. There is, however, a subset of female that unconsciously neglects to acknowledge this hidden beauty. I am convinced that this lack of self-regard culminates into such exaggerated tomfoolery, that it forever stains the reputation of the female that chooses to exhibit such foolishness. Chances are, many of you reading this know several females that carry themselves in a questionable manner (as any college atmosphere offers ample opportunity); often after a night out you may have a story or two concerning such a woman to share with friends, to whom she forever comes to be remembered as “That” girl.

“That” girl is not a new phenomenon. She has been around for millennia, and quite possibly since the emergence of mankind. Eve did after all get Adam and herself kicked out of one of the greatest places on Earth, the Garden of Eden, which also put them in bad terms with the big guy up above. Getting tossed with her troupe from various establishments tends to be a hallmark moment for “That” girl, possibly because it tends to focus the attention on herself, which is a high priority. This is also why drama is so prevalent in “That” girl’s lifestyle. When out in public, it is often easiest to draw attention to yourself by being obnoxious, rude, or wild; so you better believe that “That” girl has perfected these strategies to the utmost degree. Plus, with the consumption of alcohol, these qualities become second nature, allowing “That” girl the effortlessness of a true professional; it is, after all, extensively difficult work to completely dismiss every single social principle we were taught as kids for every waking moment of your life, and the consumption of alcohol seems to aid in these neglectful behaviors.

This brings me to my next observation. “That” girl, for whatever reason, seems to have zero concept of physics, astronomy, or common sense. Why else would she think that she is the center of the universe? This stems from “That” girl’s overwhelming sense of self-importance. It appears that however miniscule an event, however insignificant an emotion, “That” girl tends to behave in a way that would suggest that she is utterly oblivious to the fact that she makes no contribution to the human race, and that what happens to her and how she feels doesn’t carry any weight at all. Nevertheless, “That” girl will hurl herself forward with the vehemence and wrath of a thousand armies upon anyone that she suspects of threatening her undeniable superiority, which - as it turns out - is everyone, because no one can be more important than “That” girl.

 And yet, while suspecting everyone of trying to be better than she, “That” girl seems to think that she is welcome everywhere she goes. This would explain the shock and awe associated with not being accepted somewhere, because “That” girl genuinely believes that she is entitled to every square inch and every social group this planet has to offer. Look at it like this, ladies. If you believe that you are allowed to walk into the VIP section of any bar or club, that you are unrestricted to secure and closed-off sections at house parties, or you think that you’re a part of social institutions that you clearly have no business being in (AKA the girl that thinks she’s a fraternity member, and thus gives her special privileges), you might just be “That” girl, and no, you are not welcome here with your drama ridden life.

While “That” girl is a nightmare and a half to deal with by herself, it is a truly incomparable experience to witness “That” girl come into contact with “That” girl. It’s like when an immovable object meets an unstoppable force, except it involves hair pulling, scratching, and eventual incoherent bawling. The only downside to the situation is the consoling of these individuals once they’ve somehow been pulled apart from one another; but this is far outweighed by the fact that both parties undoubtedly get exactly what they ultimately deserve, and that’s all the satisfaction one could ask for when dealing with “That” girl.