The Facebook Creeper

Brittany Stubbs
Kappa Kappa Gamma

Dear Dude Five-States-Away-Messaging-Me-On-Facebook,

It’s not that you don’t look decent in those Myspace angles taken in your bathroom mirror. It’s not that we don’t seem to share common interests; yes I saw, you liked "Modern Family" and Kid Cudi too. It’s not that you weren’t beyond polite and complimentary of my photo in your message out of nowhere, subject: smiley face. It’s not that I’m turned off by the obvious grammar and spelling rules you lacked in the message either; you’re not the only one that has forgotten about that second “i” in definitely before, so I’m not judging. And it’s not that I don’t think you have friends (well...) because I saw, 1736 to be exact. It’s just... I DON’T KNOW YOU!

 If I was interested in talking to strangers seeking company online, I would join eHarmony; I’m sure they’re offering a special deal for those that make a profile this month. Or better yet, maybe I’d sign back into my Myspace page I stopped using when I was 14. There were plenty of suitors ready and willing to flirt via keyboard at all hours of the night... until the news informed us about the chances of them being ready and willing at our doorstep one day, 20 years older than their profile led on. So we stopped that habit and decided to stick to talking to strangers in person, at a bar, with friends, like normal people do! 

I’m sure you’re a great person with a genuine heart and blah, blah, blah; so for your sake, I’m going to respond as sweetly as I can and that’s by doing this: “Block User." Because let's be honest, whether your interest is to simply have a conversation with someone new or to make your way down to Oxford and see what you can get out of me; neither are happening for you buddy. Today ain’t yo' day. Between school and jobs, I barely have time to respond to texts from people I DO KNOW... let alone log onto Facebook and string some pretty words together to impress Billy Joe from Iowa that graduated high school in ’02... or so you say. So allow me to skip the part where I act flattered or even somewhat intrigued, and just send you on your way to the next cute face you’ll search between the ages of 18 and 25.

 But only because I’m nice, I’m going to leave you with some advice before you begin plotting that next comment you leave in her friend request box. If she’s attending a University (or once did), has pictures with a ton of friends, seems affiliated with any type of teams or clubs, or looks even remotely attractive in person... she’s probably not going to be interested. I’m not a psychic, it’s just a good guess. So how about you do this: exit out of that social network supporting your bad habits, get onto Google and search jobs, community service projects, volunteers needed or book clubs in your area, and get yourself some real human contact. Or if you’re not ready for any of those options, walk outside, run a mile, smell a flower, sight see or ANYTHING! Because I promise, no matter what you choose to do instead, you’re going to get much more out of anything else you do, than you will messaging me.

Sincerely,

All the victims of your friend requests

Brittany is a sophomore studying English. You may contact her at britastubbs@gmail.com.