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Stephen Rothstein
Sigma Alpha Mu

A wise man once said, “A key that can open any lock is a master key.  But a lock that can be opened by any key… is just a crappy lock.”

The sage's words seem to resonate with all those he told.  An inherently vicious double standard masquerading as a seemingly harmless analogy. 

Pondering this truism, I couldn’t help to think about all the different types of locks out there.  Master locks, ball and chain, vaults… they all require a different level of complexity to open. In fact, some locks have yet to be opened at all.  I began to imagine a world where men and women were visualized not as human beings, but as mechanical hardware.  Each its own unique form, shape and complexity. 

Imagine a technology (fashionably designed after U2 vocalist Bono's sunglasses), which detect thermal body heat levels and decode all word structures and sentences to analyze promiscuity levels. It may seem far-fetched now, so let's fast-forward 13 years. 

It’s a Saturday night in 2025 and I walk into the KK.  The Badgers have just won the Rose Bowl, and synthetically enhanced techno music has officially eliminated all chance of intelligent conversation.  Brett Bielema has been stripped of his in-game management responsibilities and awarded the title of head recruiter.  I am wearing a high technology sunglass allowing me to literally see hundreds of different keys and locks “raging” throughout madtown.

There comes a time in the life of every young key where he looks at his ridges in the mirror and says, “It's time I found a secure lock.  A lock that I can trust, a lock that I can keep my valuables in.  The kind of lock that won’t fidget with another key on New Year's Eve.  A lock that can’t be opened by two keys at once or require constant key stimulation.“  Bono's glasses could surely help. 

However, locks benefit as well. They are protected from the insidious keys with dubious motives and hidden agendas.  Locks and keys with similar values can now more objectively find one another.  Never underestimate the respect that a key has for a good lock.  Secure locks seem harder to find these days than a diner on State Street or an efficiently utilized Brett Bielema 4th quarter timeout.

When I think back to the wise man's words, I realize something important.  This double standard drives the animal kingdom and enables it to flourish.  Good mothers care for their young and are programmed for one key so they can give all their attention to what really matters - the future. 

So really, locks are the most important things in the world. The sage's words are a testament to the female’s vital role in the animal kingdom.  So when upset locks confront the wise man his response is as follows:     

“The tighter you are to break, the better your future key that awaits.”