Bad Habits for Bad Guys

Carson Tucker
Beta Upsilon Chi

There are a few certain truths in movies: High schoolers have more problems than anyone; Ben Affleck will somehow keep getting work; and villains will always lose. But why does this have to be? Villains are usually smart, resourceful and driven— built for domination. 

The problem is a few poor choices lead to a downward spiral of villain despair and a hero parade. Call me crazy, but I feel for these scoundrels. With my help, I really think they can turn their life around and show America’s heroes a thing or two about mayhem.

1. Hire Better Shots

If your game is crime, and it’s played at the highest of stakes, chances are there will be a lot of shots fired. If gunfight history has told us anything, it’s that either heroes are 80 percent air (and 20 percent catch phrases), or evil henchmen have an accuracy problem. 

This could be solved very easily if villains took a little more priority in recruiting. Let’s face it; Bruce Willis has been through four Die Hards' worth of bullets thrown at him and is still around to film Cop Out. If their aim applies to all situations, the real victims aren’t heroes; it’s the toilet seats in the Evil Lair.

2. Invest in Safer Fortresses

Rule number one for evil architects: Don’t build a lair with a “Self Destruct” button. If said button is absolutely necessary, don’t put it in a place where a six-year-old (or even Mike Myers) can press it. Do anything you can to keep that button under the radar. Hide it, lock it, disguise it, I don’t care. The fact of the matter is there’s basically a Staples “That was easy” button at arm’s distance capable of creating the world’s richest, most ticked off homeless man. 

I hope the shelter can accommodate sharks with laser beams. Also, it couldn’t hurt to do a quick look over of the whole place to make sure it’s up to code. Think where the Death Star would be if the Dark Side checked all their vents. You know what they say: Safety first, anarchy second.

3. Pick a city with no hero

What has always bothered me about super villains is their eagerness to set up shop in a city that already has a superhero. It can’t come as much of a surprise for these villains. How do you think a Metropolis realtor shows a house? “This is a wonderful home, Mr. Luther. 

Promising Metropolis neighborhood, good schools, and helpful neighbors. Superman lives next door, capable of punching through steel if you ever need a cup of sugar.” Why these cities? Why not Waco? The closest thing they have to fight crime is Robert Griffin, and I don’t even think he can handle pro defenses, much less a death ray.

Now, for the sake of the world, I certainly hope that no aspiring evil masterminds are reading this. Fortunately the University of Texas doesn’t offer that degree, that’s what law school is for (I kid). With these tips, every Batman, Captain Planet and Inspector Gadget could be defeated, faster than you can say “Muahahaha!”  

Carson is a sophomore studying education. You may contact him at carsontucker@mail.utexas.edu.