Republicans Run The Option

Mack Burgess
Pi Kappa Alpha

It's 8:07 p.m. EST on Sunday, Jan. 8, 2012.  Real time.  Tim Tebow just fired one across the middle to Demaryius Thomas on the first play of OT.  He streaks 80 yards down Invesco Field's sideline for the score and sends the Steelers and their number one defense back home to enjoy that lovely January weather for which Pittsburgh is so popular and travel-sought.  Tebow did his whole post-game thing, and John Elway flung his arms in the air and flashed that gleaming sort of Zach-Morris-Post-Vasectomy smile of his in a way that can only be described as "merry."

Meanwhile, back in New Hamphsire, no one was really happy, or merry, or excited about anything.  At least, not with regard to Tuesday's GOP primary.  Republican candidates are still taking turns in the spotlight as right-wing voters fish hopelessly for anyone to challenge the Keynesian Socialist other than Mitt Romney, the sort of Ken Doll/Wal-Mart version of a presidential candidate who the party base sees as stale and unexciting and not quite Republican (or Christian) enough but whose eventual nomination seems all but locked up at this point.

The relationship between these two melancholy truths (unless you're a Broncos fan, of course), as I sit here on the couch still feeling kind of... let's just say feeling kind of "Sunday," is that Republicans may have had their Chosen One all along.  As he kneels and rests his head on the enormous, non-masturbating fist in what is now the most infamous of incantations (after waiting for the camera guys to get all situated), I realize that maybe God is trying to tell His people something.  And right before the New Hampshire primary, conveniently so.  I mean, given Tebow's repeated and pretty much season-long success in the face of such resounding doubt and ridicule, it would  be difficult for a godly person to deny the pretty obvious light shining in the favor of the former Gator.  Now, why God would involve himself, even sparingly, in the outcome of a first round NFL playoff game while showing more or less indifference to global political matters is up for debate (and probably serious concern).  But with respect to faith, a Tebow candidacy is a no-brainer.

More importantly perhaps, Tebow seems to measure up pretty well to the standard set by Romney's most ardent detractors: He's got proven leadership experience, He's not a career politician, He's made his money outside Washington, and He's proven he can make tough decisions on his feet.  'Cause if there's anything our policy regarding say, the Iranian Nuclear Question needs, it's good footwork and a quick release.

Just look at the jobs he's created for Denver's receiving core.  Back when Kyle Orton was under-center, Demarius Thomas may as well have been unemployed.  And while I'm not trying to promote any kind of crude stereotype, we all know "Wide Receivers" are not the kinds of people we want running around on the streets.

Okay, I mean, he ought to at least be considered as a VP pick.  Even the most stoned, hopeless, Dub-Step-listening freshmen in Poli Sci 101 know that Vice Presidential candidates are nothing more than regional vote-getters, strategically selected to reel-in whatever geographic portion of the electorate the real candidate is lacking in.  Given that Romney is very likely going to be the Republican Nominee, who better than Tebow to shepherd in the Dirty South to match Mitt's inevitable hold on the Northeast (also, Colorado and Utah would probably be locks because Tebow is #15 for the Broncos and Romney is #2,863,000 or so for the Mormons.  Team loyalty is a big factor here.)  The electoral votes are there, and it might be worth looking into.

The fact that most everyone I know here in the South hates Tim Tebow with resolved conviction doesn't change the fact that deep down, we don't mind seeing someone from the SEC win it all.

One last thing with respect to the whole Divine Intervention deal:  What God was really doing in that Broncos/Steelers game, I think, was making a very clear and pointed protest to the new NFL postseason overtime system, which he didn't even really seem to give a chance.

Mack is a senior studying political science and English. You may contact him at mburges3@utk.edu.