Keeping Up With The Kardashians: The Anatomy of Khaos

Emily Binkowski
Alpha Phi

Beginning centuries ago with the ancient idea of dynasties, our world has been programmed to gawk and awe at those in a higher stature than our blue-collared little selves. Fast forward a few decades and hop across the pond to England. The royals have, and continued, to set the bar pretty high for us common folk -- enough to personally break my bank for the mere sake of keeping tabs on Kate Middleton’s latest headline sweeping attire, at least. Though where Buckingham Palace and its crown jewels leave off, Beverley Hills and Dash Calabasas’ latest shipment of skinny jeans picks up. If you’re currently unaware of where this article is heading, you clearly haven’t been keeping up with the Jones’. “Who are the Jones’? Do you mean the Kardashians?” -- asks the 21st century world. So what makes the Kardashian clan so entertaining? Is it the brutality of the sisterly bonds, or the brutality of Bruce Jenner’s facial reconstruction? Both arguably equally fascinating, it’s hard to put a (newly polished, with help of the OPI Kardashian nail collection) finger on what really makes the brood so appealing. Each poised progeny has their certain something that together, concocts for an always enthralling 30 minutes on E! (10 p.m. Sundays, EST). 

We’ll rightfully start off with self-entitled Momager and mastermind, Kris Jenner (name change proceeding after heated debate with Bruce, aired earlier this fall). We thank you, Kris, for providing us with the comfort in knowing that “you don’t mess with [my] family, and you DEFINITELY don’t mess with [my] business” - Kris Kardashian, August 2011. If nothing else, we can always rest assured that Mrs. Kardashian -- er, Jenner’s priorities are in check. And then there’s Kris’ totally necessary bladder issues that are openly, and often, documented on television. What is even more disturbing than this, is the realization that considering (let’s hope you’re sitting down...) the show is 100% scripted. With that being said, one can see that Kris for some reason is completely comfortable with the world being aware of her hefty supply of bladder pads. 

“I came to apologize,” the eldest Kourtney proclaims in a seemingly mature fashion, “I’m sorry for rubbing pee all over your face.” And to think after all these years of selfless acts such as this, Scott Disick still hasn’t put a ring on it! Though as vulgar and immature as Kourt’s dialogue and acts may be, there’s no denying that they’re entertaining. And if watching homemade body waxes isn’t your cup of tea, there’s always the constantly adorable baby Mason to admire. Hate on the sisters as you will, but that baby is absolutely adorable. In other, equally adorable news, him and Grandma are now even able to share diapers. 

And then there’s Khloe. Though often poked fun at for various reasons, Khloe never lets the rain come anywhere near her parade. Even jabs by her own sister to looking like an “evil ugly troll” can’t tear the ego off of this Kardashian sister. As if that’s not bad enough, an entire episode was dedicated to the maternity testing which would later clarify her true Kardashian DNA. Talk about a loving bond! Known for her vulgarity and quick wit, Khloe never fails to give the people something to talk about. For if people are always going to talk, why not give them something good to go off of? I’m sure my girl Koko would agree. Though planning a wedding in nine days seems rather insane, especially after the realization that nine days is exactly 1/8 of the time that her sister and her prince charming were wed for. 

After months and months of the network dangling the wedding extravaganza previews in front of our starving appetites for true love: E! edition, it had finally arrived. Not even Kate and that Prince Bill character had a pre-show for their royal nuptials. Let’s step up to the plate next time, shall we England? Unfortunately for Kim and hopeful viewers across the world, happily ever after ended up lasting a staggering 72 days. C’mon Humphries, this is Hollywood. Couldn’t you have at least given it a couple years and an alleged mistress scandal? Give the people what they want! The twitterverse, as one would expect during such a traumatic time, fed off of this. “Things Lasting Longer than Kim’s Marriage” trended for a solid few days, shedding light upon dark times across the nation. Chet Cannon tweeted: “Kim Kardashian is getting divorced... I’ve known that for 72 days,” a prime example of insensitivity and the undeniable humor that often comes hand in hand. 

Though the clan definitely has its flaws, what holds true through each screaming battle and round of throwing blunt objects at one another, is that they bring to television what other 30 minute scripted sitcoms often lack: appreciation. So next time you sit down and place bets on whether Kim’s backside is, in fact, real, appreciate the normalcy of your own (miniscule, in comparison) life. For what’s up next for the Kardashians, only the Big Man upstairs knows. That big man being executive producer, Ryan Seacrest. Stay tuned! 

Emily is a sophomore studying pre-comm and management You may contact her at binkowea@muohio.edu.